✧ 𝓢𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓮 ✧

𝓑𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓸𝔀𝓷 𝓼𝓾𝓷 @fw_lennox1 @fw_naetoblaq working with @Duelbits

[✧ 𝓢𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓮 ✧ @lostshine7]

sometimes a girl will have such an ugly boyfriend that i'm like oh ur like STRAIGHT straight

[𝐄.🚩 @Wyd_eshuu]

CRYING WHAT IS THIS DUDE ON:

[Willy🦅 @iluv_papi]

Stake really found people whose bets would’ve won with their promo and started paying them 😭😭

[☥𝐋𝐞𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐱 @fw_lennox1]

The most expensive subscription I have is being alive.

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

My boss printed out an email from my mother and laid it on my desk like evidence.

Not forwarded.

Printed.

Which somehow made it worse.

There was a paperclip on it.

Boss:
Before you say anything, I need you to know I respect involved parents.

Me:
That's not a sentence that leads anywhere good.

Boss slid the page toward me.

It was from our website contact form.

Name: Deborah Collins
Company: Proud Of My Son Industries
Message: Caleb is too humble to tell you this, but he's excellent with clients and his suits fit better now. If there are promotions available, please keep an open mind.

I closed my eyes.

Me:
I can explain some of this.

Boss:
Can you explain the other four?

He had more.

One from Deborah at Strategic Mothers LLC.

One from Deb Collins Consulting.

One from Concerned Citizen.

One from Not Caleb's Mom.

Boss:
That last one was the giveaway.

Me:
Yeah.

Boss:
Are you behind on quota?

Me:
Slightly.

Boss:
Did you tell your mother that?

Me:
I made the mistake of telling my mother anything.

I've been in sales eight months. My mom still introduces me to people by saying he has a business job and nice posture now.

Apparently last Sunday I mentioned things were slow.

Apparently she heard my son is underappreciated and must be avenged.

I called her from the stairwell.

Me:
Mom.

Mom:
Did he get the messages?

Me:
There were five.

Mom:
I didn't want to seem desperate.

Me:
You used Proud Of My Son Industries as a company name.

Mom:
It sounded established.

Me:
You cannot create fake leads for my job.

Mom:
They weren't fake. I was interested in your success.

Me:
That is not what the contact form is for.

Mom:
Then why make it so easy to use?

I had no answer for that.

Back upstairs, my boss was trying very hard not to laugh.

Boss:
I should be mad.

Me:
You should.

Boss:
But the suits fit better now got me.

Me:
She notices tailoring before emotions.

Boss:
Here's what's going to happen. You're going to tell your mother to stop. And I'm deleting Not Caleb's Mom before marketing sees it.

Me:
Fair.

Boss:
Also, for what it's worth, she called you excellent with clients.

Me:
She has no data.

Boss:
Parents rarely do.

He threw the stack away.

That should've been the end.

Two weeks later, an actual lead came through from a real landscaping company.

The owner got on the phone and said:

Client:
Your mother from church said you were sharp and had better suits now.

I got the sale.

I have still not told my boss.

Mostly because he'll be unbearable about it.

Mom asks for pipeline updates every Sunday now.

I give her none.

She says that's fine.

She has instincts.

[6ɪx✦ @ok6ixx]

Me: Table for two, please.

Hostess: Any preference where you sit?

My wife: Somewhere quiet would be nice.

Hostess: Perfect. (Starts walking)

My wife: (Whispering to me) Why is she taking us toward that family with four kids?

Hostess: (Stops at table right next to them) Here you go! They just ordered, so they'll be leaving in like 45 minutes.

Me: That's... not really quiet though.

Hostess: Oh, you said quiet! I thought you said "by it."

My wife: Why would we ask to sit "by it"?

Hostess: (Shrugs) People ask for weird stuff. Yesterday someone asked for a table "near the vibe.”

[7up @thugglikeshine]

Underground garage park is the best mortal kombat level

[ℋ𝒶𝒾𝓁𝑒𝓎 @Am_hailey]

Almost 19 years ago, I lost my son to the state
due to the physical and mental abuse I endured from my ex husband
Today, he reached out he wants to get to know me.
I know not everyone will see this, and that’s okay.
My heart is overflowing with joy.
This is truly my biggest dream come true.
If you’re reading this, I hope you’ll feel happy for us.
We’ve waited so long for this moment.
Please celebrate with me instead of judging.
No negativity just love and second chances.

[6ɪx✦ @ok6ixx]

My coworker brought in "homemade brownies" and I ate three before someone pointed out they tasted weird. Turns out her husband made them and he's never baked before in his life. This man didn't know brownies were supposed to be sweet. He seasoned them. With garlic powder, onion powder, and Italian herbs. When we called her to ask what was happening, she said "oh my god I thought they were for the potluck at his work." Her husband apparently meal preps savory brownies for the gym. I cannot stop thinking about this. Who is eating savory brownies at the gym.

[Zion @zionszzn]

Us saying “we move” as a coping mechanism has gone too far but we move init

[4̶𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡༒ @OGsDontFold]

Why is THC still included in drug screenings when it lingers for weeks without causing impairment? It's like testing for last month's coffee. Shouldn't we prioritize actual job performance over punishing private adult use?

[𝐂𝐚𝐥𝐯𝐢𝐧• @Be_like_calvin2]

We really need to address this: Claiming cannabis is entirely harmless isn’t just wrong it causes real damage. Let’s have the full, honest conversation instead of sticking to extremes. 🤝

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

The man ahead of me in the Costco line leaned back over two pallets of sparkling water and whispered:

Man:
If my wife asks, this TV was $799.

I looked at the TV.

Eighty-five inches. Big enough to receive weather patterns.

Me:
How much was it actually?

Man:
That number isn't helping anyone.

His cart also had ribeyes, a kayak paddle, and one of those tubs of pretzels the size of a toddler.

Me:
Why are you telling me?

Man:
Because she respects neutral witnesses.

Me:
I'm not a witness. I'm buying detergent.

He nodded like that was exactly the kind of integrity profile he needed.

Then his wife appeared from the sample aisle holding two tiny paper cups of soup.

Wife:
They have tortilla today.

She looked at the TV.

Wife:
Did you get the one we talked about?

He didn't answer fast enough.

Wife:
How much was it?

Man:
Seven ninety-nine.

She looked at me immediately.

I hate that I have a face people ask things to.

Wife:
Was it?

Me:
I don't know your marriage.

Wife:
That's not what I asked.

Cashier, without looking up:
It's $1,299.

Absolute silence.

The cashier kept scanning rotisserie chicken like he'd just announced the weather.

The husband closed his eyes.

Man:
I was going to explain the rebate structure.

Wife:
What rebate structure?

Man:
Potential future value.

Wife:
On a television.

Then she did something unexpected.

She set down the soup and said:

Wife:
Okay, then the patio set was $400.

His eyes opened.

Man:
It was not $400.

Wife:
Correct. It was $900 and I said clearance because I didn't want the speech.

Now I was watching two adults discover each other in real time over a mountain of bulk groceries.

Man:
You lied about the patio set?

Wife:
You lied about a television the size of a garage door.

Man:
I was protecting morale.

Wife:
I was protecting summer.

Cashier:
Do you still want the TV?

Both of them, instantly:
Yes.

Then they looked at each other and started laughing.

Not cute laughing either. Tired marriage laughing. The kind that means this is not new, just newly public.

The husband looked at me.

Man:
You saw nothing.

Wife:
He saw everything.

Me:
I'm buying detergent.

Cashier:
And honesty, apparently.

I got home and told my brother.

He said:

Brother:
That's marriage.

Honestly looked expensive.

[𝓲𝓬𝓮 @be_like_ice]

My friends are like "why're you on X Imao nobody uses that".

Good. Maintain that.

[Softboy @softboywin]

Anybody else tired of food? Like, I just don’t know what to eat anymore.

[7up @thugglikeshine]

Student had enough of his teacher hitting him

[ℋ𝒶𝒾𝓁𝑒𝓎 @Am_hailey]

I went to view an apartment in New York City yesterday.
It was listed starting at $1,295.
I showed up with a firm budget of $1,400 in mind.
The leasing agent smiled and said, “This one is right around your budget at $1,495.”
Then she casually added the extras:
Utilities usually run about $115 a month.
Plus a $25 monthly pet fee.
Just like that, my total hit $1,635.
I know NYC rents are brutal and I should stick to what I can truly afford.
But I’ve been searching for months with zero luck.
This is my first time living in the city, so everything feels overwhelming.
It’s so frustrating when places advertise a low rate, then nothing is actually available at that price.
The bait and switch is exhausting.
My salary just got a 5% bump, but it barely moves the needle here.
I’m honestly starting to hate it.
For now, I’ll crash at my friend’s place a little longer.
I’ll keep looking until I find something that actually fits my budget.
Fingers crossed it happens soon.

[ℋ𝒶𝒾𝓁𝑒𝓎 @Am_hailey]

A client of mine (VP, making $350k) used to sit in her driveway for 40 minutes every evening, paralyzed by the thought of walking inside. Her husband would inevitably open the front door and ask, "What are we doing for dinner?" One Tuesday, she didn’t get out of the car. She texted him: "My executive function is gone. Feed the kids. Do not ask me a single question until 6:00 PM." She locked her car doors, reclined the seat, and went to sleep in the driveway. He was furious at first, but her kids survived just fine on frozen waffles. When they finally talked, she told him, "I manage 50 people at work. When I come home, I cannot be your manager too." The 5:00 PM ADHD transition freeze isn't a character flaw; it’s a severe neurological crash. You don't need a better planner. You need a strict, 15-minute "Zero-Demand" boundary the second you get home. No decisions. No talking. Just silence.

[𝓲𝓬𝓮 @be_like_ice]

My wife asked me: "Do you know what day our daughter's school concert is?"

I said: "No, when is it?"
She said: "Exactly."

[ℋ𝒶𝒾𝓁𝑒𝓎 @Am_hailey]

Bruh 😂
So I just went downstairs to refill my coffee and I took the trash out while it was brewing
And when I got outside I come across my landlord, who's outside enjoying the cool morning air and sweeping her front step
She asks me how I'm doing, and in true Tony the Tiger fashion I'm like "I'm GREAT"
She asks why so great
So I tell her about Lindsey Graham
And I *wish* I coulda gotten video, the way this lady jumped up, cast that broom to the ground and did a praise dance 😂😂😂