Justin Conrad

Sometimes I'm right on the line between tweeting it and seeking therapy about it.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

I scratch your back and you massage my feet.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

20 Pics Of People Caught In An Agonizing Moment That Will Make You Feel Slightly Less Numbed For Three Seconds!

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

I imagine you all just think "Thank fuck I managed not to say that... Now where can I get rid of it?" and that's why I'm following.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

So Jesus went zombie after three days?

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

Who has a cooler accent than mine?

Other people.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

At what point in life does it become increasingly easy to get away with saying inappropriate things? It's been a downward slope so far.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

What the hell. A little porn syrup won't kill me.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

I'm having some difficulties balancing my time budget. It's weird because my income hasn't changed.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

When did the internet become all about telling me I've done everything wrong all my life?

[AmberTozer @AmberTozer]

When you're about to tell them that last night was fun but you don't want a relationship right now

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

When you were positive you used a semicolon correctly but someone puts you in place.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

You make the call. I'm just not that fussy about what kind of bread goes under my cheese.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

[casting The Revenant]

Hey, Leo! That thing when you were all feebled on ludes in Wolf of Wall Street? Can you do it for a whole movie?

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

When they didn't have what you were looking for and you have to pass the register without paying for anything.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

Sarah Palin must have just assumed we'd already tweeted everything we can possibly tweet about her a long time ago. She was wrong.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

"OK, duck face products. Let's think outside the box. Ideas?"
"Well, I got this dog that I hate..."

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

So there I was being told they'd prefer if I leave thinking how did I become a preferred customer in the first place the way I was going on.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

I got Uber on my phone now. Guess you could say I'm a bit of a prepper.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

[on the phone with customer services]

So what would the fee for shipping only be? I'm planning to do all the handling myself.

[Justin Conrad @LotsOfJustin]

How many followers do you need to call yourself a writer and start lamenting over not getting your job done?