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Man. Nothing like waking yourself up with accidental asphyxiation. Really gotta keep those airways clear.

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Anyone else ever crack a bone so loud it actually hurt your ears? Just me? #gracefullyaging #lucky

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Almost died this morning curtesy of a zombie spider that reanimated itself in my hand while enroute to the trash. Stay vigilant friends, none of us are safe

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Got #wordle on the last guess and that troll ass website had the word “phew” popup 😂👏

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Don’t worry the handyman finished the sink, and with only one whispered “that’s good enough” it really feels like a win

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The handyman fixing my broken sink just mumbled to himself “I guess I have to demo this. Oh god.” And if there was a list of things you don’t wanna hear from your handyman, a mumbled “oh god” is for sure on it

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@ohhey_itsKA January 1st huh? New record for you I see, well done

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@ohhey_itsKA How dare you. There are so many other foods you could have named in this tweet and your coming after pizza?

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@ohhey_itsKA Ironically my goal is to continue that trend

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Found out Biden won cuz someone outside my window yelled “HE WON!” Fuck yeah he did. This is also now my preferred method to receive good news

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If I say the bodyguard am I taking Netflix or Whitney Houston?

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Anyone else think it’s funny the sun can darken skin but lightens hair? #Showerthoughts

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@ohhey_itsKA 😂 exactly

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https://t.co/31qvUWCfk4 in case anyone is interested

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Just heard an ad for the forest on Pandora. Just that, the actual outside forest. And a website you can go to to find a forest near you.

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@ohhey_itsKA “Well don’t make me sound dramatic”

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⁦@hulu⁩ are you trolling users now? Cuz if so well done

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Overheard: “I don’t like butterflies because I don’t like moths and butterflies are just moths with lipstick”

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Overheard on a plane:

Dad: do you know what H2O is?
Kid: no
Dad: it’s water. Do you know what K9P is?
Kid: no
Dad: it’s dog piss

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“Why didn’t anyone ever tell you not to ride a helmet without a motorcycle” @ohhey_itsKA