Jack Shields

High-performance homemaker who has quietly downgraded to minimum viable effort.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

When they go low, we go low, because sometimes you have to meet people where they are.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@vxylily I was told that when the street lights started coming on at dusk I needed to head home.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

I took a roast straight from the freezer and dropped it still in the freezer bag into a165°F water bath. No seasoning. No searing. Just four hours of grayish, submerged sadness.
If you want a fork, you’ll have to go on a scavenger hunt under your bed.
Everyone loves sous vide.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

Cooking delicious food at home has been thankless for a while. Tonight I made chicken for supper. It was cooked all the way through out of legal obligation. Salt was provided at the table so that each guest could personalize their experience. I didn’t make any sides.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

Cast @jackwhitehall as James Bond.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

Is it too late for @WeirdAlYankovlc to consider Bovinian Rhapsody?

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

Im glad Zo has an upcoming job interview, but it’s none of my business and he needs to remove me from his google calendar 🙄

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

Go ye forth and fill all the world with cookies.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@StephenKing I don’t think so. I don’t think his group was reading or teaching their offspring to read to begin with. They don’t even read the Bible, they just listen to their leaders lie about it.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@DeathMetalV Yes, it’s how you should open the door. Why? So that she’ll know exactly why to never, ever waste her effort on you again.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@thescottbarber @masonmennenga Probably this version

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@masonmennenga @dalepartridge Dale mostly lusts over his idolized fantasy of being a real man. I’m not sure bearing the cross of plucking one’s eyes out can save someone who feels emasculated by women having a career.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@TheMcGloneCode @RevKimWChafee According to Jesus’s ministry, how should we go about hating as God hates? What does that action look like?

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@RevKimWChafee yes, yes, “the west’s will be done on earth as it is in heaven” just like Jesus said.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@sirDukeDevin Books don’t gay people. People gay people.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@SarahisCensored Fun fact- MAGA doesn’t know what 86 means because shitty restaurants never run out of well done steaks.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@HewMesmer32 @thescottbarber Grocery store sushi is definitely for people that are going through rough times. I’ve been there. Convenience store sushi is for psychopaths that eat like feral zoo raccoons.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@masonmennenga I love it because it’s not just bearing false witness, it’s a blatant civil liability. George Floyd’s autopsy is public and says homicide by police restraint.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@FitFastCoach I live next to one of the largest Amish towns in Michigan. The Amish eat the same diet as everybody else. McDonald’s, Burger King, and KFC have horse “parking” for them. The men all have guts and they die of heart disease three years sooner than average US life expectancy.

[Jack Shields @LudicrouslyJack]

@himbojedi That’s wild. There are plenty of fashionable Christian groups that practically require a nice apartment. If you need high motivation, you can go Mormon and they will send teachers to audit your living situation once a month. Just need a hip apartment vibe? Try the Episcopalians.