Luke Davis

I never leave home without Werther's candies in my pocket.

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@babyweswee YES. Still so irritated we didn't walk home with a build-a-bear stuffing machine...

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@realDonaldTrump I am not the media. I am an ICU nurse. We are not rounding the turn.

[Last Week Tonight @LastWeekTonight]

Thank you, Danbury! We’re so happy we were able to come together and sort our shit out!

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

I've found that I experience a significant amount of anxiety seeing large gatherings of people IN MOVIES ever since COVID became a real thing. My brain says "Hey! Shouldn't be doing that!" despite that logic making absolutely no sense. Anyone else experiencing this sort of thing?

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@beastmode066 not cool.

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@packers Hey, if you win the super bowl my mom says we can get a dog. Please win. There's a lot at stake here...

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

Game of thrones tonight though. WOW

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@RockyRococos I'm blocking Michael Cera on Twitter because you said that.

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@RockyRococos I've literally said this to you dozens of times.

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@Jake_Becker24 Go in peace.

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

Proper order of steps necessary to get dressed after a shower...

1- Dry off
2- Underwear
3- Pants
4- Shirt
5- Barrister wig
6- Wooden teeth

Whoever those psychos are that put socks on FIRST, wHaT dO yOu tHiNk YoU'rE dOiNg?!?

#SMH

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@Jake_Becker24 I was gonna call you a sissy dweeb but since you wear wool, you can marry my sister if you want.

#respectforJakeBecker

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

@Jake_Becker24 Wool or cotton??

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

So ah... Maybe student loan repayment can also last as long as the govt. Shutdown?

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

I wish health foods tasted as good as the sealant on hallmark envelopes. I'd be all over that.

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

Just spent 53 minutes on the phone with a wrong number. Apparently Tod, a 60 something small motor repairman from Oklahoma has got some real troubles on his mind. Real nice talk, though. #whatarestrangersfor

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

Me: I wish I was more organized. If only there was something I could do about it.
Amazon: *18-19 planners now on sale - only $9.99!!!*

Me: *buys it*

Me: *3 months later after I have lost the planner* I wish I was more organized. If only there was something I could do about it.

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

That moment when you feel a little tickle on your arm and think it's just some hair, but then it moves and you immediately think "SPIDER" even though it's definitely not, but you flail anyway, aimlessly, like a wet noodle and knock over your Wendy's frostie in the process.

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

I have set a grand total of 39 alarms for tomorrow morning so I don't miss my first real nursing job interview!! Will I miss it?

[Luke Davis @lukedavis38]

HyVee employee: Excuse me sir, would you like to try a sample of our newest fruits?

Me: Oh I suppose I can s-PEAR a moment!! *tightly holding in a laugh*

HyVee: Ahhh! I see what you did theeere!

Me: No but for for real though I'm highly allergic to pears I do not want one.