[In the break room]
Coworker: “Ever since I got married, I don’t go out and drink much. There are just so many better uses of my time, you know?”
Me, with a mouthful of pork chop: “I just got divorced.”
i want more "run errands with me" friends. no i do not want to spend $85 on a dinner to catch up. but i will go to costco and an estate sale with you and then some tacos
I just BOOKED IT into the next room because I thought my dog was crying… turns out, it was just my neighbor, Gilbert, singing “Play That Funky Music” horribly off key with his band in his garage.
@Carolina_Tweets This isn’t even the first time I thought one of the dogs was dying. There’s always a few moments of panic before I remember, “Oh, it’s Tuesday. Gilbert has band practice at noon.”
Today I found out that there are 2 registered sex offenders in neighborhood. And then I found out there are 6 within a 0.25-mile radius of my home. And 12 within a 0.5-mile radius. And a whopping 1,036 within a 5-mile radius. Remind me why rent is $2,005!!!!!
Hosting the in-laws for Christmas this year. Currently trying to convince my mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law that I, in fact, did not make up narwhals, nor did I doctor all of the Google images just to trick them.
@Carolina_Tweets I’ve seen a lot of people make assumptions about his parents helping him drop off the grid, based on how relaxed and unbothered they seem about his disappearance… but do we really think a cold blooded murderer was produced in an attentive and loving home?
The power is out, and for some reason, several families in my neighborhood took that as a sign to go outside and see who can put on the most impressive fireworks show. I can hear so many people laughing and it’s so effing pure. 🥲