Madeline S.

cat stuff, tattoo stuff, stage stuff.

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

Hey creep, maybe I don't owe you a hug with both arms?

[Cameron Esposito @cameronesposito]

I just passed a law defunding ur shower. You can't jerk off in there.

Those are babies.

[Cameron Esposito @cameronesposito]

I just passed a law defunding ur bed.
You can't have a wet dream in there.

Those are babies.

[billy eichner @billyeichner]

Literally no one gives AF https://t.co/Ck0fgMUvk2

[Cameron Esposito @cameronesposito]

"This poorly written novel from the 80's was clearly an attack on me. Sad!"

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

Not sure how to handle that my happiest physical form was my least happy mental one. Where's the middle ground? Is there one?

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

God, I was so much skinnier when I was crying secretly in my bathroom once a day and running off the one meal/day my depression allowed.

[Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman]

PITCH:
Instead of "I wouldn't throw her out of bed for eating crackers" how about "I'd sit on his mouth butt first"

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

@maddyg8tor Although, this year my boyfriend and I know where all the lighters are and that's kind of a Christmas miracle.

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

@maddyg8tor I don't have a joke about this, or any real feelings about it, other than it's completely opposite from my experience this year.

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

Last year my ex blew Christmas money on weed and then bought me a bunch of lighters and candy at the end of the day to make up for it.

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

Are people with conventional jobs likely to have their morning poop at their office? That bums me out more than the thought of a cubicle.

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

"Want to look like the actress you assume your husband masturbates to? Buy Ultra Sex Pump it Up and In and Out Mascara!"

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

Being a woman is reminding yourself you don't have to be a model to be successful but also to be a model because it's seemingly empowering.

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

Being a woman is dumb. Can I take a break for a bit?

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

Thought to stop by my bar for a quiet daytime drink and apparently everyone else is doing the same thing. Full parking lot on a wed at 1pm.

[Chelsea Peretti @chelseaperetti]

BEST PART OF THE VIDEO IS WHEN BILLY BUSH TEACHES TRUMP HOW TO OPEN A DOOR

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

My last relationship ended for good reasons, but the final blowout was over food. Must remember this with new boyfriend: eat, always.

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

"Maddy if you Johhny Utah me I swear to God" - the coolest thing ever said to me.

[Madeline S. @maddyg8tor]

I'm at that cool age where every man I'm attracted to is either 24 or like, 40.