Mallory Johnson

Remarkably ordinary.
Uniquely unremarkable.
Exceptionally normal.

Unreasonably enthusiastic?!

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

Texas: Where "heirs" and "errors" sound pretty much the same.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

@jackiekashian @AddisonImprov Got tix after hearing you’d be in town on Jackie & Laurie show...see y’all there! First time seeing @mariabamfoo too so pretty stoked 👍

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

How many Cheez-Its have I had in the past 48 hours? Enough.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

@dianalact 😭😭😭

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

@dianalact Ohhhh no!!!

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

Doing my taxes so that means wine for dinner.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

My advertising background gets in the way when I - without warning - get unnecessarily angry at a font choice.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

@dianalact Hahaha I would but it would arrive demolished.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

How to break it to them gently on V-Day. @ Whole Foods Market https://t.co/iQnS98Kgn2

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

@audreywhiteTX Answer Me This - Britishness, randomness, hilarious

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

@dianalact ALWAYS 😜

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

I love love LOVE eavesdropping on first dates. *overenthusiastic laughter*

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

Surely we're reached max capacity when it comes to omitting vowels to look cool, brands. Jst stp.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

I'm not avoiding doing laundry - I'm being eco-friendly.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

@dianalact Ok I just saw this and UGHHHHHH. Such a sucker for a Scot.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

The power of positive thinking:
*Drops dirty bowl, shatters*
"Well, at least I don't have to wash it."

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

@dianalact Brazilian idioms are the best idioms. Hands down.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

*Desperately trying to not subtweet, cuz being petty is so, so fun sometimes*

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

Status: Watching a group of women at a retirement home watch the Ellen's Kanye interview/rant

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

There's a certain kind of power trip that comes from driving in 5 inch heels.

[Mallory Johnson @malliejohnson]

Old TV shoes seem so quaint when college students check movie times in the newspaper.