marisa ✨

Raise your hand if you know me. (she/her)

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

We bought toilet locks for baby-proofing the house. The only person that actually locks them is the baby.

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

I’m going to cite my sources less. It really takes the momentum out of a joke to have to say “have you seen that tiktok where….”

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

Why did #Costco get rid of combo pizza?

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

With the impending snowstorm about to hit the Twin cities, I am thinking about how I was on the light-rail when the Metrodome roof collapsed in December of 2010. Mems!!

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

@antiquenemesis I’ve been so mad about “aesthetic.” Like there’s only one???

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

My toddler saw a golden retriever in Costco & absolutely loved it, so now I have to get her a dog.

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

Leonardo DiCaprio’s 19 year old girlfriend wasn’t even alive when he was on Growing Pains (original or reruns), how can she possibly appreciate him?

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

“If I have to sing, I will” 😂 #TheBachelor don’t make her sing

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

Not me learning how to emotionally regulate myself in my 30s by watching PBS shows with my toddler.

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

@lizzo Father of the Bride Part 2

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

This is mean, but I LOVE it when Brandon Jones cries. He has the best cry. #BIP #bachelorinparadiseabc

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

Seriously ⁦@nytimes⁩ ?? Was the word “onetime” necessary? He was a teenage sensation. PERIOD. https://t.co/vwwkG8FFMR

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

I figured out what is wrong with Bachelor shows lately. We used to at least know where these people were from & what they did for work before entering Bachelor nation. Now, we know nothing about these people! It’s less interesting #BIP #BachelorInParadise

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

I can smell it from here

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

Baby outfits that don’t include a baby-sized headband that my baby would never wear, but a mom-sized headband because how cute if we matched 🥰

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

@antiquenemesis I sure won’t. I saw her face on the AD home tour & whispered to myself “Diana DeGarmo?”

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

Every week I say I’m going to the farmer’s market & every week I forget to go.

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

@antiquenemesis The bug magnifier! 🙌🏻

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

The worst part about putting my baby down for a nap is that I’m so good at it that I make myself sleepy too & also need a nap.

[marisa ✨ @marisamk]

Do Gabby and Rachel get a bonus if they get a ring? This is ridiculous. #TheBachelorette