mustard clown

how litter do you know?

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs

[Nate @thenatewolf]

My wife, sensing I'm about to pull out my harmonica, gently places her hand on my thigh to let me know it's an inappropriate time. We are an incredible team.

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

@EricFincher Busy thinking bout old phones man

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

I wonder in the way back times people were like “hell no I’m not gonna press BUTTONS to make a telephone call I’m gonna poke and spin the number wheel like my pappy taught me and GOD intended”

[Good Kyle @KyleMcDowell86]

[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened

[Kids Write Jokes @KidsWriteJokes]

what do you call a spider in a suit. business legs

[Casual Thursday @CasualThursday]

Just shut down the whole karaoke bar with my version of the Skyrizi song. People with moderate to severe plaque psoriasis were coming up to me with tears in their eyes wanting to shake my hand. The bartender added me on insta and let me hit her Skyrizi pen.

[Casey @cahwit]

when a toddler drives a truck up your leg, it’s a sign of great respect in their culture

[Old Man Rattle @oldrattle_]

farting so loud at petsmart that the parakeets start acting up

[Thomas White @len0killer]

My uncle performed the first Minion autopsy out near Marietta. Year was ‘89. Thick, thick skin, like a boar’s. Downstairs was all cloaca. Kevin still visits the grave

[The Lesbian Pervert @babyknifespice]

what’s a good gas station pill to try for someone just getting into gas station pills

[meredith 🍉 @dietz_meredith]

just stomped on the geico gecko and the sound it made was crazy. like wet fireworks

[Thomas White @len0killer]

Big Boi: To’ up. from the flo’ up, while I growed up, swimmin in go-re-gous Flo-ri-da women but this pimp reside in Georgia. Coroner. Report I hope insurance shored up. Might have your rates turned up before them boys turn the corna.

Andre 3000: She trapped in my cadmium palace

[ᴅᴏᴏᴍᴇɴɪᴄ @dinosaur_info]

Nobody is complaining loudly enough that Wikipedia is sometimes no longer even on the first page of google results. Like what the hell are we doing

[Bobson🌱Dugnutt @f_a_infinityy]

Man Stroker’s Ejacula

[lil jon lovitz(?) @liljonlovitz]

me: [peeling a banana] may i take ur jacket lol
coworker also in the break room: do you think other people can't hear you

[vladchoc @vladchoc]

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

[Berwyn Choobs @sabatonfan69]

(Ancient Chinese rap battle)

Eastern wind: my wife is very chaste and humble, ur wife can’t carry wood or she stumble

River Fury: Ur wife goes to the heavenly rat banquet in a dress made of cheese. And u ask why shes home naked full of fleas

(abacus guy moves one to the left)

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

every mushroom foraging guidebook: This is Woodland Pot Roast, a tasty little mushroom that adds a delightful flavour to soups and stews. Note that it is often mistaken for Satan’s Fistula, a mushroom that erases the last 9 generations of your family from God’s ledgers.

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

I’m thinking about getting a neck tattoo that says “end rascism”. Time to put people’s judgments on neck tattoos to the test

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

Why do pam and all the others in the progressive insurance ads wear aprons? Feels like I shoulda noticed that sooner but i just did and it bothers me. There’s no fucken progressive insurance restaurant. What the shit.