mustard clown

how litter do you know?

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs

[ᴅᴏᴏᴍᴇɴɪᴄ @dinosaur_info]

Nobody is complaining loudly enough that Wikipedia is sometimes no longer even on the first page of google results. Like what the hell are we doing

[Bobson🌱Dugnutt @f_a_infinityy]

Man Stroker’s Ejacula

[lil jon lovitz(?) @liljonlovitz]

me: [peeling a banana] may i take ur jacket lol
coworker also in the break room: do you think other people can't hear you

[vladchoc @vladchoc]

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

[Sprocket Springberry @sabatonfan69]

(Ancient Chinese rap battle)

Eastern wind: my wife is very chaste and humble, ur wife can’t carry wood or she stumble

River Fury: Ur wife goes to the heavenly rat banquet in a dress made of cheese. And u ask why shes home naked full of fleas

(abacus guy moves one to the left)

[Janel Comeau 🍁 @VeryBadLlama]

every mushroom foraging guidebook: This is Woodland Pot Roast, a tasty little mushroom that adds a delightful flavour to soups and stews. Note that it is often mistaken for Satan’s Fistula, a mushroom that erases the last 9 generations of your family from God’s ledgers.

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

I’m thinking about getting a neck tattoo that says “end rascism”. Time to put people’s judgments on neck tattoos to the test

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

Why do pam and all the others in the progressive insurance ads wear aprons? Feels like I shoulda noticed that sooner but i just did and it bothers me. There’s no fucken progressive insurance restaurant. What the shit.

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

Eating nothing but produce stickers so I can shit out a cryptogram

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

Must suck to be a cow and get nauseous like which one of my four stomachs hurt

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

@okimstillhungry No offense, but you look like you’re contemplating how much you’re about to gamble with a fart

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

Let’s end the debate by calling a hot dog a top loading sandwich

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

What if Dawn Soap makes oil spills happen so they can sell more duck and penguin soap

[Haus of Decline @hausofdecline]

I don't hate men. Frankly, they got some heavy hitters. Abraham Lincoln, Weird Al Yankovic

[jame @kloogans]

i have an area in my backyard i call "the big stew" it's a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

Instead of buying a pumpkin from a pumpkin patch, I'm going to adopt one from a local shelter

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

Hey I’m offended by your costume. My dad was killed by a slutty tiger

[Rory Blank @BoneJail]

Keep Honking

[Daggerlad @Daggerlad2]

Weak guy: 🥹

Jesus: Why you lookin at me like that

Weak guy: well, you just said the meek shall inherit the earth, and well, I’m pretty meek ✋🥹

Jesus: lmao, I said “The Shmeek” as in my 13th and coolest apostle. Tell him Shmeeky 😏

Johnny Shmeek: get shmeeked 😎