(Ancient Chinese rap battle)
Eastern wind: my wife is very chaste and humble, ur wife can’t carry wood or she stumble
River Fury: Ur wife goes to the heavenly rat banquet in a dress made of cheese. And u ask why shes home naked full of fleas
(abacus guy moves one to the left)
every mushroom foraging guidebook: This is Woodland Pot Roast, a tasty little mushroom that adds a delightful flavour to soups and stews. Note that it is often mistaken for Satan’s Fistula, a mushroom that erases the last 9 generations of your family from God’s ledgers.
Why do pam and all the others in the progressive insurance ads wear aprons? Feels like I shoulda noticed that sooner but i just did and it bothers me. There’s no fucken progressive insurance restaurant. What the shit.
i have an area in my backyard i call "the big stew" it's a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Weak guy: 🥹
Jesus: Why you lookin at me like that
Weak guy: well, you just said the meek shall inherit the earth, and well, I’m pretty meek ✋🥹
Jesus: lmao, I said “The Shmeek” as in my 13th and coolest apostle. Tell him Shmeeky 😏
Johnny Shmeek: get shmeeked 😎