Martha

Just me. Nothing more, nothing less. And I don’t care about your opinions on comedy so feel free to keep them to yourself.

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

Raising money for Billie “Ninja”’s autism service dog - can you help? Every share and donation makes a huge difference, we have 2 weeks to raise $2k!
#autismservicedog
https://t.co/Fz7YflW11N #GoFundMe

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

LA always has to show off like a half naked influencer - First ever hurricane? Not enough, make them SHAKE!

Fuck off…

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

Gotta love when you order groceries and the company has no problem with the shopper stealing from you! Thanks @instacart!!
#instacartscam #instacartsteals

[TheBillFund @TheBillFund]

If you need groceries and want to be stolen from - try @instacart! They’ll send a junkie to the store to spend your money on themselves & make you run around like a jackass to get it back!
#instacartsteals

[TheBillFund @TheBillFund]

Single mom stuck at home with special needs kid? No problem, @instacart will bring you milk with a side of theft! Want your money back? Better check all your accounts because they’ll say they gave it back hoping you don’t realize they never did!
#instacartscam

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

I scored 85 points in @FruitNinja's Arcade Mode for iPhone! https://t.co/3PA0Y5TnbF

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

Anyone else’s toddler get so excited during bathtime they turn in to a farting machine gun? Her sister and I just lock eyes and pray it’s all talk.

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

@carebecc I feel that way about activating my new phone. Yours is more valid.

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

@StephenKing Couldn’t get past the wig, personally. Loved the tiny flailing demon bone arms.

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

Me - Sees Big Bird on the floor, decides to sneak in & return him for snuggling. Silently opens door…
Twin 1 - Wakes up screaming
Twin 2 - Wakes up laughing like a lunatic
Me - Puts Big Bird in crib 1 and backs out slowly with hands in the air

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

I am going through @deadmeatjames content on YouTube way too fast, and I am now in love with @JamesAJanisse & his awesome lady @carebecc, I need people like this to keep me sane! Watch the vids, listen to the pod, for serious. Do it.

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

I practically had to sit on her to get that bow in her hair.... 🦕

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

Something I never thought I’d say after smelling another human’s butt - Huh, it smells like strawberries and gasoline...

Let’s change that diaper! #momlife #whatacombo

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

I mean, how can anyone be THIS cute? She is officially walking, and she couldn’t be prouder of herself! #thatsmygirl

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

My 1 year old is cold blooded. Her repertoire includes closing doors in your face, running to you with arms open for a hug before turning around at the last minute & convincing you to let her put food in your mouth before eating it herself. I love it.

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

Do your kids look possessed when they move around on the baby monitor or is it just mine?

Neither of your asses is named Regan so please knock it off, it’s making mommy uncomfortable....

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

Forgot my hugging blanket was in the wash and it ruined my nap. My one year old forgot her big bird she carries EVERYWHERE with her in the playroom and napped just fine.

It may be fair to call me immature at this point. #ownyourshit

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

Few things are as wonderful as getting a kiss from a toddler who just ate a bunch of strawberries ❤️ #mygirlsarethebest

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

If you told me I could be friends with ANYONE it would be an easy call to choose @LeahRemini. I love her. I respect her. I strive to be more like her and take no shit.

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

@michaelrosenbum My dog died in his sleep in the early hours of Monday. It sucks so damn bad after being such a part of your life for so long ❤️ I’m sorry about your friend

[Martha @MarthaNMcC]

@elonmusk Kitty cat dogs