Jason Bales

Well....I'm awesome.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

I can't be the only one who when heading to the bathroom for the second time in about half an hour that goes "ROUND TWO! FIGHT!!!"

[Jason Bales @martheev]

A rectangle vase can also be a rectal vase depending on your hobbies and skill set.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

Are you a lost underwater colony? Cause you got an Atlant-ass!

[Jason Bales @martheev]

Is this oddly motivational?

Don't be a quitter, fill up that shitter!

[Jason Bales @martheev]

What do you get when a baby sheep and a wild pig drive a fancy car?

A lamb boar ghini.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

I'm going to make a feminine pad product and call it 'Sometimes'. For the gamblin' lady.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

I hope in the new Superman movie the real villain turns out to be @charlieputh. During the reveal there'll be a swelling rendition of "One Call Away" in the background only to pause for a dramatic turn to camera for Charlie to say "Superman's got nothin' on me."

[Jason Bales @martheev]

Do you know what the Fourth of July and The Black Eyed Peas have in common?

Boom, boom, pow.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

Are we allowed to panic at places other than the disco?

[Jason Bales @martheev]

The benefit of having a compact penis is it's like having a compact car, no matter how tight the spot is you're gonna fit.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

If you think about it, there really should be a Shakira themed holiday. "Now little Billy be sure your hips don't lie and leave out empanadas or Shantakira won't bring you any presents!"

[Jason Bales @martheev]

I think America's slogan instead of "Don't tread on me!" should be "Don't poop on me!" I've played Oregon Trail. I know about dysentery and how it helped shape the country.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

I'm gonna bend the elf over that shelf and make it my bitch.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

Technically if it's a shower it also counts as a grower.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

When the song screams "HEY, DAD! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR SON NOW!" I always think "Well he sounds like a whiny little bitch to me."

[Jason Bales @martheev]

What time is it when a wildebeest goes to lunch?

Gnun.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

When I watch ads to get 10 extra balls in my game those ads should all be for 5 Guys.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

You can't unshart a fart.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

The nights that are quietest are the ones where you can hear your farts the most.

[Jason Bales @martheev]

I've always assumed we were supposed to stop because it WAS Hammer time. But what if he's trying to warn us Hammer time is evil and needs to BE stopped and he just puts in a weird little pause?