Mary Chessmar

tits AND gtfo

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

@MrFlamegoat @christieskylar Look, sometimes your mouth is full 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

For the sake of efficiency, all the horny emojis should really be grouped into one category.

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

Sk8er Boi must be such a weird song to young people now, because like why is it impressive that this dude you went to high school with is on Ridiculousness or Teen Mom?

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

@Grindpod behind-the-scenes: what @Bobby_Batson ordered from the app while recording last night. #BehindTheGrind

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

The nerdier a friend group is, the more likely they are to go by names like they're small-town pubgoers in a folk legend.
"This is Whiskers, King Dave, Lightfoot McGee, Big Matt, Normal Matt, Six Toes (he has seven toes), Honest Jack, Florida Marlin, and I'm Chicken Pot Pie."

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

It's funny how being curvy can automatically make people think perfectly modest clothing is unprofessional, like we all have a pair of smaller work-appropriate boobs at home and some of us just choose not to put them on.

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

He was aiming for a dog whistle, but humans can hear it. Unfortunately.

[Chris Stephens @ChrisStephensMD]

Quick shoutout to the good people at @UniversalPics for trimming the trees that gave our picket line shade right before a 90+ degree week.

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

Hi, I'm Mary, and my hobbies include fantasy browsing menus of local restaurants to prepare myself for what I'll order if I ever go there.

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

More like NYT Spelling BEAST amirite??

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

Me: "come on, I'm not THAT much of a drama queen."
Me finding out Ryan Seacrest is going to be the new Wheel host: "Is there NOTHING PURE left in this world??"

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

@llison_codes @VeryBadLlama I desperately need to know what is in cookie salad please.

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

@generalstansolo Sorry, can't help. I'm a 180 lb pink dumbbell.

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

Happy Father's Day to my daddy issues 💖

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

Someone in the romance novel I'm reading just said "put your best fuck forward" but I'm going to keep reading it anyway

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

I love astrology posts that are like "I'll never date another Gemini for as long as I live! They're all cheaters and liars! Every Gemini will gaslight you, they eat your last poptart without replacing the box, they're all named Jeff and they'll all try to fuck your best friend!"

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

@ChuckRod75 @Grindpod I'm a usurper, and I'm not even sorry.
Though if I WAS sorry, having to watch that movie should very much count as my penance.

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

Oscar Wilde

[Michael Matteo Rossi @MichaelMatteoRo]

Who's somebody that passed that would have had an awesome Twitter?

I'll start:

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

I feel like when one of my social media friends who always makes shmoopsy posts about their partner has a breakup, they should post the reasons. Like, you invited me into this relationship so now we both need closure.

[Mary Chessmar @marychessmar]

@generalstansolo The public wants to know