Mary Romeo

comedian/trash

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

Depression is just adult puberty

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

I’m starting to understand why people in shitty relationships stay together because when you break it you buy it

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

Texas is the new Florida

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

You gotta be careful because a gag gift for a baby might actually kill them

[liz @thebookofenochs]

@KaceyMusgraves my best friend Katie & I were supposed to see you in D.C. but Katie tragically passed away. She was an avid fan, seeing you first with Harry Styles. We spent mornings listening to Golden Hour on her record player. Could you dedicate a song to her at the show?

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

Can you get growing pains at 27 or is this the first signs of a stroke

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

I’m an LA 6 and a NY 8 in pant size

[Latif Tayour @latiftayour]

Tonight with @themorganjay @Toripiskin @maryelizabetch @Mattyfontana13 & surprise guest! FREE RSVP here! https://t.co/T3Uy3hReyG

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

If you want a hot girl who gets dolled up for you don’t expect her to pick up the check with her fake nails

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

@openmike @bambiambi313 @comedyconvospod Awwwww thank you! Would love to

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

If someone is watching all your stories but not interacting with you it’s because they either want to fuck you or kill you.

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

A gun that works isn’t a prop gun?

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

I put my Venmo on the back of my car and someone requested $10

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

Good Will’s slogan should just be would you rather pay full price or smell like cigarettes?

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

I’m at the point in my cross country comedy tour that if I want a souvenir from that city I have to buy it at a Good Will

[Zack Vile @zackvee]

brad pitt was married to jennifer aniston, now he’s dating a woman half his age. this dude went from Jen A to Gen Z

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

Every time I put everything I like on a subway sandwich it becomes the worst sandwich I’ve ever had

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

A 50 year old man at my show last night called me extremely relatable. I don’t know if I’m flattered or insulted

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

You ever just wanna FaceTime someone cause your hair looks really good

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

My age range on tinder is wider than my mile radius if you could be my dad I don’t give a shit as long as you live 3 miles away

[Mary Romeo @maryelizabetch]

I’m officially vaxxed and taxxed