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middle-aged suburban thug ™ - found my therapist on Yelp

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My level of Twitter engagement is: I realized today I’ve had the same pinned tweet since 2018

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Are we still allowed to use the term Lazy Susan?

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Ring Of Fire

https://t.co/TN4WHJ9qaV

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You Goin' Miss Your Candyman - cover https://t.co/2dl1KtkuU5 via @YouTube

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Takin' It To The Streets https://t.co/RKrWt9Itoj via @YouTube

Let me know what you think!

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There are a lot of success perms on the crew in this Mr Lube.

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If everyone’s high school was the set of a movie, I would have been a background actor. But, that background actor gesturing far more broadly than the director wants.

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Skechers Slip-Ins - for when you’ve literally lost all desire for decent mobility.

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Self awareness is the death of pure art. The best of everything comes from sheer inspiration, and not from trying to please the crowd.

Or maybe I’m just full of shit.

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Sorry for saying your baby looks like a dirty forest hippie

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In prepping for the apocalypse my go-bag is mostly dill pickle chips and hand lotion.

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That kind of flu bug where you’re peeing out of your butthole and throwing up into the bucket on your lap.

Help me Jebus

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VERY useful. Thank you

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Just learned today that the point of a museum is NOT to see who can get through it the fastest.

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If I hear anyone complain about how their winter vacation in Hawaii’s probably ruined now I’ll probably punch their face.

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I think what made me so astute at reading non-verbal communication was an entire childhood of constantly looking for the tiniest hint of approval in my dad’s body language.

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*Googles “Kentucky Waterfall”

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Just so you know, I’m ‘gray rocking’ you right now.