Adam R Goebel

[Dallas Texas TV @DallasTexasTV]

DFW just shattered heat records two days in a row, hitting 109° twice in 48 hours

[Dallas Texas TV @DallasTexasTV]

DFW hits 109 degrees, shattering the record for hottest August 23

[OiGato @OiGato]

@LavenderGhast

[Tim Ryan 🦝 @KenziesPoolBoy]

I actually find it surprisingly difficult to treat my son and daughter exactly the same. If my daughter says, “Dad, can you bring me some ice water?” my instinct is, Of course, and I go get it for her.

If my son asks me the exact same thing, my first instinct is, No. Get up and get it yourself. My wife and I have actually argued about this whether that extra harshness I feel toward him is something I should consciously correct, or whether there’s some useful evolutionary instinct buried in it. A father feeling compelled to make his son a little tougher than he would his daughter.

[Allie ✞ @allie__voss]

Periodically the Japanese politely, gently remind us that they are living centuries ahead

[Adam R Goebel @MasterGoebel]

@nypostsports Is this @TheBabylonBee?

[Straight Florida @StraightFlorida]

Listen up, carpetbaggers: the left-lane daycare program is officially canceled. ⚠️

No more camping in the passing lane doing fifty-five with your blinker permanently flashing like you're on an rage-fueled autumn Trump sign peeping tour through Vermont.

Florida Highway Patrol is finally out here playing traffic bulldog, aggressively yanking your out-of-state bumpers onto the shoulder to deliver a very expensive roadside lesson.

This isn't the Lame Island Expressway. Slide your Coexist sticker into the right lane where you belong, or point that front license plate right back up I-95 North and don't tap the brakes until you hit the Mason-Dixon line. 🚔💨🌴

[₩₳Ɽ ₱₳₮Ⱨ @WarPath2pt0]

That's a level 9 daytime drift--I wish I could nap this good. Peak male performance.

[Josh Rainer @JoshRainerGold]

Probably because of this

[Sarah Everett @goddammitsarah]

this is exactly the kind of thing one should be able to do on a parisian river cruise without worrying about being recorded

[J.K. Rowling @jk_rowling]

Tricky, because I already know what genitals my husband has. Would you accept both of us acting surprised once we’re naked? Or could we just shake hands first and agree that we’ll soldier on even if something’s changed since last time?

[glenlivet glen ross @thatKevinGuy]

@edthesportsfan

[Graham Linehan @Glinner]

Because outside of wizard sports, males have an unfair advantage over females.

[Alan Fisher @alanthefisher]

@stacycay I had this and Amish Paradise as some of the first songs on my ipod back in the day, he only spits fire and facts

[sammm ☆ @onlysammms]

modern day Aristotle, socrates and plato

[🎀Tuggs🎀✝️ @thattugglife]

Strangling kids is okay but this is where we draw the line 🥴

[Puppies & Positivity @Puppieslover]

Emma Schols ran back into a burning house burning 93 % of her body to rescue all six of her kids.

She was on a ventilator for weeks. Doctors said people rarely survive burns that extensive. When she woke up, the first thing she asked was whether her children were alive.