Kshitij Mathur

Home Automation enthusiast, home barista, foodie and music lover. Enthralled by travelling and a technology buff.

[Iamemperor @Iamemperor00]

My roommate accidentally convinced our entire apartment building that he was a government agent because he didn’t know how to end conversations normally.

It started because he ordered a shredder.

That’s it.

Just a regular office shredder from Amazon.

But the delivery guy asked,
“What do you need this for?”

And instead of saying “old bank statements” like a civilian, my roommate pauses for two full seconds and goes,

“Can’t really discuss that.”

Why would you say that.

Now the delivery guy looks nervous.
My roommate notices the nervousness.
And instead of correcting himself, he doubles down because apparently social anxiety turns him into a Batman villain.

He leans closer and says:
“Appreciate your discretion.”

The delivery guy left like he had just transported nuclear launch codes.

After that, weird things started happening.

Neighbors became oddly respectful.
People stopped asking him dumb small-talk questions in the elevator.
One old man saluted him once.

At first we thought it was coincidence.

Then our downstairs neighbor knocks on our door and quietly asks,
“Are we safe?”

My roommate, who is eating cereal at the time, just stares at him and says:
“For now.”

FOR NOW???

The neighbor looked like he was about to evacuate his family immediately.

Turns out the delivery guy had apparently told multiple people in the building that “federal people” were living on the third floor.

And honestly my roommate’s lifestyle was NOT helping.

He leaves the apartment at random hours.
Owns three identical black jackets.
Rarely explains where he’s going.
Has terrible posture but walks fast enough to seem important.

One time he came home carrying a locked briefcase.

Do you know what was inside?

A sandwich.

But nobody else knew that.

The paranoia escalated when building management installed new security cameras and my roommate casually muttered,
“About time.”

Now everybody thinks he requested surveillance upgrades.

Then came the incident with Apartment 4B.

There was a huge screaming argument downstairs around midnight.
Doors slamming.
People yelling.
Somebody crying.

The whole building could hear it.

My roommate walks into the hallway, listens for ten seconds, then calmly says:
“They’re moving earlier than expected.”

EARLIER THAN WHAT??

A woman across the hall literally gasped.

The next morning 4B had moved out unexpectedly because apparently they were already behind on rent and the fight ended the relationship.

But now the building believes my roommate orchestrated a covert extraction.

People started treating him like some kind of undercover protector.

Neighbors would randomly update him on “suspicious activity.”

One guy whispered:
“There’s a blue Honda that keeps circling the block.”

My roommate nodded and wrote something down.

Do you know what he wrote?

“Buy oat milk.”

But the guy saw the note-taking and immediately went,
“Knew it.”

Then management offered him a free parking spot “for operational convenience.”

HE TOOK IT.

At this point I asked him why he kept feeding the delusion instead of stopping it.

And he said something I’ll never forget:
“It’s gone too far to explain naturally.”

Which somehow made him sound EVEN MORE like a spy.

Then things became catastrophic.

A package got delivered to the wrong apartment and went missing.

Management called a building meeting about “recent security concerns.”

In the middle of the meeting, somebody actually turned toward my roommate and asked:
“What do you think we should do?”

This idiot crosses his arms and says:
“Keep communication limited. Don’t panic.”

The room nodded collectively.

I was watching a man fail upward into the CIA.

Then an actual police officer showed up later that week because somebody reported “possible federal surveillance activity.”

We thought the game was over.

But when the officer knocked on our door, my roommate opened it halfway, looked at the badge, and sighed like he was disappointed.

[Kshitij Mathur @mathurk83]

@mistofstars @gridboundStory @1ssve Nope. BCC hides the recipient list. Nothing to reply all to, except the sender.

[Kshitij Mathur @mathurk83]

@Flixapt1 @amazonIN @amazon @CimGOI This policy has been around for some time now, thanks to a certain set of people who would use / return or swap new products with defective ones and return. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do. Speak to customer service if anything can be done otherwise yeah. You're stuck.

[Kshitij Mathur @mathurk83]

@GuyHardware @hasan28d You're assuming USD, but in some currencies 100k a month is no big deal.

[Kshitij Mathur @mathurk83]

@MilsaTrading @IndianTechGuide During times of war, tsunamis, inclement weather.

When I was in kasar during March, I got an alert about bad weather in my area which made delay my departure plans. Turned out to be a good decision since it rained very heavily, all day that day.

[Kshitij Mathur @mathurk83]

Friday evening, 8:10 show. Concession stand has no popcorn. Two counters open for the entire evening.

Customer willing to pay but can't.

Slow claps, @PicturesPVR @INOXMovies

AIPL Joy Street, Gurugram.

[Kshitij Mathur @mathurk83]

@CombatingAutism @trentster @Mr_Husky1 That's literally what they're paid for. Why does anyone tip for poor service?

[🇨🇭🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿InLucysHead🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇨🇭© @InsideLucysHead]

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex...

He was a hardworking guy, and he still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time, he had to leave for another country for a business meeting.

He would be gone for a week.

He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks, so he thought he should gift her something so she could satisfy herself and didn't think about searching for a new partner, so he went to an adult toy shop.

As soon as he entered, the first thing he saw was a blow-up doll, but he soon dismissed the thought of buying it since it was almost like another human. He then proceeded to the dildos section.

There he saw all kinds of dildos, from massive to tiny to ones which glow in the dark, but none of them grabbed his interest, so he decided he would go somewhere else and began to leave the shop when he was stopped by the owner sitting behind the cash counter.

"I know what you're looking for", the owner says

This grabbed the businessman's attention, and he stopped to hear what the owner had to say.

"There was a man many years ago who looked just like you, wealthy but tired. He had a wife whom he couldn't satisfy, and she was about to leave him when he came here and got my help. He's happily married since then"

"How exactly did you help him?" asked the businessman.

The cashier bent down and revealed an engraved wooden box from under the counter.

There were all sorts of symbols on the box. He opened it, and inside it was a pink latex dildo, similar to the ones on the shelf.

"This is an ancient artefact haunted by a Maori tribe who all died of sex deprivation when all the women of their village were killed in a plague, all their souls now reside in this dildo", said the owner.

The businessman, being a sceptical guy, laughed and then turned to leave.

The owner says, "You're all the same, thinking there's nothing above this material plane of existence. Watch this."

The businessman turns around.

"Voodoo Dildo, keyhole"

To his astonishment, the businessman saw the box violently shake and the dildo rise in the air, float for a second and hover over to the keyhole in the front door and start to shag it. The dildo shagged the keyhole with such force that the door unhinged and started cracking.

"Voodoo Dildo, box"

The dildo stops shagging the door and returns to the box.

"ILL TAKE IT, cried the businessman, and after a lot of negotiation, he finally purchased the dildo and ran home.

He tells his wife about the dildo and how to use it. "Voodoo Dildo, pussy. That's how you activate it", the businessman told his wife and went on his business trip.

After 3 days of being horny, the wife finally gave in to her urges and opened the wooden box, took out the dildo and uttered "Voodoo Dildo, pussy". The dildo shot from her hands and started shagging her. First slowly and then changing speed as the way she wanted.

After an hour of shagging, the wife thought it was enough, and she grabbed the dildo to turn it off.

But it didn't stop shagging her.

Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to stop the dildo.

She started panicking and called him, but he didn't pick up, so she started to dress up and go to the hospital, all the while the dildo was still shagging her.

She got in her car and started driving.

On the way, she had a huge orgasm, and her car swerved and almost hit another car.

A cop saw this, and she was stopped at the side of the highway.

A cop approached her.

"Ma'am, you almost hit the grey SUV back there. Have you been drinking?"

The wife then proceeds to tell him all about her husband and the voodoo Dildo and that she can't stop it now.

The policeman then says,

"Yeah, right, Voodoo Dildo my ass."

[Ananth Rupanagudi @Ananth_IRAS]

Lunchtime humour - Dedicated to all connoisseurs of puns!

How does an attorney sleep ?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

How do you make holy water?
You take some water and boil the hell out of it.

Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen!

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What is your favorite kind of music?”
The other says,
“I am a big metal fan!”

Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There is no menu, you get what you deserve!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers
yesterday, but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can’t quite make up its mind?
A maybe

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

If and when everything is coming your way,
you are in the wrong lane.

She had a photographic memory, but never
developed it.

Is it ignorance or apathy that is destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care!

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing
population?
Ireland of course; it’s *Dublin* everyday.

My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is starting to improve.

The guy who invented the door knocker got a *No-bell* prize.

I saw an advertisement for burial plots, and I thought: "That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark?
I Noah guy.

I used to be indecisive; now I am not so sure.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me that
I can do it with my eyes closed.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing. But, it let out a little w(h)ine.

What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary?
A Thesaurus! 😀😛😂 #puns

[Kshitij Mathur @mathurk83]

@gurgaonpolice - please help with this nuisance. Noise at 1:40AM is insane. This is a mockery of the law.

[Vrashali Chawla @VrashaliC99]

@gurgaonpolice
Sector-66 has baba mohandas profession with loud music loudspeakers going on till this hour. With whose permission they are violating civic https://t.co/MkCiIbwYO0 action or stopping till now

[Paul Rees. ex Rucksack. @HannahIamthest1]

I know some of you may think I'm showing off but when you work hard all your life you deserve to treat yourself. Can't express the happiness I'm feeling right now! White was the only color they had but it doesn't matter.

I've just purchased these four lawn chairs and can't wait till summer!! 🌞

[RC deWinter @RCdeWinter]

A man came home to an empty house, saw the garage was empty, called the police station and said, “Help, my wife is missing!”
Sergeant: how tall is she?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 5 1/2 feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not thin, not really fat.

Sergeant: Eye color?
Husband: Sort of brown, I think.

Sergeant: Hair color?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: Vehicle?
Husband: My landcruiser.

Husband: (sobbing): It's a 2015 hj45 with 12ht, full custom dolbinson springs, toughdog big bore foam, cell shocks, superior engineering, extra heavy duty anti inversion shackles, 1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Cooper stt 285/75 16Tires, Custom Big ass steel roo stopping bull bar with Thomas pto winch, hid spotlights narva led light bar codan HF, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, lambs wool seat covers, twin stacks with custom 3 inch exhaust, 200 liter long range tank. Ol e lockers front and rear,Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille…” at this point the husband broke down and couldn’t speak anymore.

Sergeant: Don’t worry, buddy. We’ll find your Landcruiser.

[Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 @MikeBales]

So this morning at breakfast, my wife looks over and asks me,
“Hey honey, would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”

I just shake my head.
“Thanks for asking, babe, but I’m not hungry right now,” I tell her.
“It’s this Viagra… it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

Later at lunchtime she tries again.
“How about a bowl of soup, some homemade muffins, a nice cheese sandwich?”

“Nah,” I say, “the Viagra’s still killing my desire for food.”

Come dinnertime, she’s really going for it:
“Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?”

I turn her down again.
“No thanks, it’s gotta be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry at all.”

She pauses, looks at me, and says,
“Well… would you mind letting me up?
I’m starving.”

[LaughBreak: Dad Jokes ‘N More @MediocreJoker85]

A father was sitting at the kitchen table with his two children when his son suddenly looked up from his cereal.

“Dad,” he asked, “where did I get my name?”

The father smiled and leaned back in his chair.

“Well, son,” he said, “the night you were born, everything happened so fast. Your mom went into labor unexpectedly, and I rushed her into the car and started driving to the hospital.”

He paused, shaking his head at the memory.

“I was speeding down the road, doing everything I could to get there in time. But we didn’t make it. You were born right there in the back seat, on the side of the road.”

The boy’s eyes widened.

“So,” the father said gently, “we named you Carson.”

The boy smiled proudly.

His sister, who had been listening quietly, leaned forward.

“That’s beautiful,” she said. “Dad… how did I get my name?”

The father looked at her for a long moment.

“Well,” he said, “it’s a little more complicated, Uberdaughter.”

[Old Salty Marine @BamaSaltyMarine]

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping.

He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "

I'll never do that again! He told his mother that evening.

"I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that, she ate all the bait!"

[Kshitij Mathur @mathurk83]

@WeekendInvestng Question is, why would you pay a restaurant's staff? Does the restaurant not pay a living wage?

What you pay for the food in a restaurant has profits baked in which keeps the restaurant afloat. Service charge is something added to fatten margin and should be optional.

[Old Salty Marine @BamaSaltyMarine]

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions.

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."

LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me!"

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

[Old Salty Marine @BamaSaltyMarine]

A teacher asks her fourth grade class, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Jennifer says, "I want to be a doctor."

The teacher replies, "okay, that's a good one."

Tommy says, "I want to be a lawyer."

The teacher replies, "that's a good one as well."

Little Johnny says, "I want to be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me,
give her a Lamborghini worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel europe, an infinite Mastercard, and to make Iove to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give him importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you Susie, what would you like to be when you grow up?" The teacher asks.

"I wanna be Johnny's Bitch!"

[🇺🇸 🦅Simple Man 🦅🇺🇸 @Soaringeagle45]

Teacher, “Tommy, why are you sad today?”

Tommy, “Because my Mom is at the hospital and my Dad is at the police station”

Teacher, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, do you want to go home?”

Tommy, “Yes, please!”

After Tommy left the class, she asked the other students, “Do y’all know why his Mom is at the hospital and Dad is at the police station?”

One of his classmates raised their hand, “Because his Mom’s a nurse and his Dad’s a policeman”

[🇺🇸 🦅Simple Man 🦅🇺🇸 @Soaringeagle45]

Betty’s washing machine quit working so she called in a repairman.

Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the washing machine and leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!

"I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Betty’s house the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just laid there on the carpet watching him go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!"