Matt Pivec

This girl is on fire.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

Somebody put something in my beer. That something was whiskey, and that somebody was me. #drinkingsolution #thisismyfriday

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

Already broke my #newyearsresolution, but I just remind myself that I probably set the bar too high with 'don't eat cookie pizzas in bed'

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

the most racist day of the year.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

Im good at two things: complaining and making excuses, and it looks like I'm all out if complaints.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

@toddbarry I was under the impression that #SXSW stood for "Todd Barry, Live in Austin" – I've made a very expensive mistake.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

Four years later, and I still can't believe that Taylor Swift got to meet Kanye West before me. I'm green with envy.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

went a little too hard in the paint for a thursday, feeling like death.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

I'll be the asian in the electric blue pick-up truck with all of my personal belongings in the back. #schwag

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

small feet make for great icebreakers. "I wear a size 13 in children's, can I but you a cran-appletini?"

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

after some heated debates, and research i think i've decided which party im going to join: Team Edward

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

i don't know what's worse, eating fried chicken with a knife and fork, or eating fried chicken.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

how long is too long to wait to get an iPhone? i deserve the right to know where sex offenders spend their free time, too.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

Today's horoscope for Aquarius: Rely on yourself to decide who and what you are, not a horoscope scroll, you idiot.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

One day, I'll have my own place... http://t.co/UvTqG8TJ

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

#iLikePeopleWho lie to me to make me feel better and change who they are to fit their surroundings. Also, incorrect usage of grammar.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

#iLikePeopleWho are dead serious about condensing their life lessons into 140 characters. It's so fucking insightful.

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

@pattonoswalt had a great time at your show I had in my dreams last night. also had my halloween costume torn off my body during a marathon

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

i know i'm behind on this one, but "rainbow rice for milky ice" is fucking brilliant. @azizansari

[Matt Pivec @matt_pivec]

ignorance is bliss, but it's also fucking ignorant.

[Hey Arnold @FootballllHead]

Arnold's last name was never heard in the show, When asked in an interview the creator Craig Barlett stated that it was Shortman