Matthew McDermott

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

Comin at you live from flavortown, USA

[Berwyn Choobs @sabatonfan69]

This hot young democratic candidate is bringing the youthful fire the party has lacked for decades:

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

If we all collectively think really hard at once we can stop the incessant marching of time maybe potentially please

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

Captains log, May 14th, 2026. A great beast was seen pacing the corridors of the facility in which I find myself employed. Unbound by the restrictions of leash nor governed by any visible overseer; naturally I bid him come forth and have tamed him thusly. A grand day indeed.

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

She O’in on my Wilson till I “wow”

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

I have never loved anyone as much as my 10 year old self loved Jennifer Love Hewitt on the ghost whisperer in 2010 and I fear I never will again

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

Is there any legal avenue twenty five year old me can pursue to get recompense for the decisions of my nineteen year old self? Someone’s gotta pay for what that little fuckers done to me.

[The Washington Post @washingtonpost]

Breaking news: A committee led by the interior secretary voted to exempt oil and gas companies from complying with the Endangered Species Act when drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, which could threaten species facing extinction. https://t.co/79UeLW5wCZ

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

Can’t tell if oil extraction is sacrilegious or romantic.
On one hand our collective society runs on sucking up the gelatinous corpses of long dead earthly creatures, on the other our fellow flora and fauna died so that I can go 75 in a school zone and keep my room nice n toasty

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

At the bar incoherently barking and whining like courage the cowardly dog the second an attractive woman speaks to me

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

Gunna start making Friday plans with friends like it’s a job interview:

“Where do you see yourself in 12 hours?”

“What type of energy are you bringing to the team?”

“Can you explain this gap here in your drinking history?”

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

[regaining sentience after scrolling for two hours] As troubling as it may be to consider, I am beginning to suspect that my mind is being imposed upon

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

This shitty little image does irreparable psychological damage to me every time it comes across my feed.

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

*Me as the Urban planer for Gotham city*

Mmm…. more steam. Just steam shooting out of the ground everywhere more of that yeah. No don’t put any more streetlights I want dark allys for crime and just add more steam if you can.

[skooks @skooookum]

bodega. 3pm. hungover.

i order a bacon egg and cheese

man says "sorry ese no breakfast after noon."

i stand there for a moment, speechless, hoping god would intervene if i merely gave him the opportunity

total silence

once again god is elsewhere, as he tends to be

[Groby @groby5000000]

Dumb fucking alien smokes so much he gets sick and is probably going to pass out and drop the cig on the couch and kill himself in a negligent house fire - Work Drawring

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

Hey what the fuck man

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

watching the dangerously stoned subway worker repeatedly struggle to fit all my sustenance into a presentable wrap with the same sadistic glee as a Babylonian King

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

I gave the feeble homunculus I created unsupervised access to Twitter and now he’s practicing race science.

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

One beautiful, please. For here

[Matthew McDermott @matthew_mcderm]

I’ve spit in all the tubes. 23 and me? Done it. Ancestry? I was the first. All of my genetic information is out there. One day I will be falsely imprisoned or killed by my exact clone. I’m much like Oedipus in that way except I didn’t bang my mother.