Matthew Ballard

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger. and then it hit me.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Six #Democrats demand #Trump impeachment hearings https://t.co/QLctVQCt3D

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

One day I hope to be rich enough where I don't feel compelled to refill my fountain soda before I leave a fast food establishment.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

probably my biggest regret is not having gone to high school in an 80s movie.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

I hate when people say. He's a nice guy once you get to know him. .....So in other words. He's an asshole but you'll get used to it ?

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

@realDonaldTrump 10 Reasons Why You Should Love Donald Trump https://t.co/3p72Qhhe24

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Whenever teachers say 'show your work'. just write a bunch of numbers down and hope they're tired that night.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Some guy named Rand McNally printed out a bunch of Google maps and sells them at gas stations. Weird.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Here's a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

nothing is more unattractive than insecurity unless that doesnt sound right haha i mean whatever you guys think

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'!

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

I don't understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don't have to have a job.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said. 'it was 4.7. but felt bigger.'

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Your honeymoon can't be going that great if you're incessantly instagramming photos of it?

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Never make the same mistake twice. Make it three times. Be sure.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

Please take the smartphone away from your pets. they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course. if I don't buy and eat anything.

[Matthew Ballard @matthewballar18]

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that's what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.