Matt Carter

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Adulthood is the sense of anarchy you get while drinking straight from the jug #fuckcups #iknowwheremymouthsbeem

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

I like the big spoon because it helps me shovel more ice-cream into my mouth as I cry by myself #cookiesntears

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Do you ever just look at yourself in the mirror and think "what wattage is my microwave?"

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

@echamb3rz I don't understand twitter #howareyou #gladtwittercares

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Sobering fact: humans share over 99% of their DNA with Justin Bieber fans #nofilter #jkthereisafilter #oristhere

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Halle Berry is the only blackberry I'd let in my house #yousawthetrailer #ladybefine

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Watching Maury and no joke this poor gangbang baby's name is Lemonjello #nounsarennotnames #getyourshittogetherloquasha

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

There's a circle in hell reserved for people that stand on the walk side of the moving sidewalks at airports.

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

I just watched an ad for Tim Hortons and now I start for the Toronto Maple Leafs and own a moose.

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

"May" contain nudity? C'mon, it's either one or the other. Stop wasting my time here. #whyisthislegal #noboobs

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Boner in chapel from being touched by an angel #raiseittoheaven

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Tots are life tots are love #blessedbystarch

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

"Well that's a load on my back" -Captain Obvious's slutty girlfriend

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

I could drink water literally every day and not get tired of it #idontneedyoujuice

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

I just did that thing where you run into someone and you both go the same way again and again and I stabbed him to make it less awkward

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

George Clooney's teeth are so white they stop him in the middle of meals to instagram their mispronounced quinoa #maybeitsmaybellene

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Stock photo models are the Nicholas Cages of the modeling world #whyareyousmilingsohard #thosearentthatmanylimes

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Matthew McConaughey is for Matthew McConaughorses, I don't know what all y'alls is fighting over #getoverit #sorryhiswifebutitstrue

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Ever notice that like boners are just thumbs for your balls? #mindblown #threethumbsup

[Matt Carter @mattinyourhat]

Microeconomics midterm today from 4-6. Professor's sadism level: Christian Grey. #lookimtweeting #thisisforyouseth #ihavenoideawhatimdoing