Matt Town

If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

NURSE:Any history of substance abuse?
ME: Nope just a future

[Bobby Wagner @bwags]

against all odds, people who went to Villanova are somehow about to get even more annoying

[Matt Town @matttown1]

@Sam_Brinker Let’s go, Sam!

[Matt Town @matttown1]

@jdw1066 @lukeisamazing I’ve never been a fan of this take. There are many masterpieces that spawned entire genres yet remain inimitable in those genres. A Farewell to Arms is still the best work of iceberg theory. In Cold Blood is the best nonfiction novel.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

Lmao sorry boys

[Matt Town @matttown1]

@colinwick_ https://t.co/uskijaIb9r

[Matt Town @matttown1]

@TheWolfe40 We love to see it.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

@tony_ferraro7 Two people have been shot on my block in the past month. It feels like this summer is going to be worse than ever.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

@SarahMackAttack Yeah, the worst part is I knew immediately what she was saying.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

Every time I call my mom, she casually says something like, "We watched the Chrism Mass yesterday because your brother was thurifer," and I think, "How am I not more damaged?"

[Matt Town @matttown1]

This tweet is for @SarahMackAttack only.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

I honor my grandmother every day by being terrified of what my sisters think of me.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

I mean, that’s not really saying much, but OK, sure

[Matt Town @matttown1]

Why can’t we start daylight savings tonight at 6 p.m. just this once?

[Matt Town @matttown1]

I hate chick fil a but I also hate gay people, so like it’s not political.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

If I had some personal news, I would simply keep it to myself and never tell anyone.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

STOVE: Hot cooktop
ME: Hmm, better touch it really quick to make sure

[Matt Town @matttown1]

@colinwick_ Colin, you really need to seek help on this.

[Matt Town @matttown1]

"When the pandemic's over" starting to sound a lot like "when I take my clothes out of the dryer."

[Matt Town @matttown1]

At this point, my friend recommendations on Facebook are just people I’m afraid of.