Josphat Matu

[MethoDman @polo_kimanii]

Kama kawaida vijana,Our time to eat good again has arrived. Tomorrow we will be attending the Nairobi city Marathon once again. Not to run,but to chase. Tulisema apa ndio tunapata financially stable women with disposable income to hold us through these tough kasongonomic times. Sasa wale vijana watafuata maagizo ya mhenga,mjue hii August inaweza wapata kule mpumalanga Johanesburg kwa kina Dj Uncle wafos mkiskiza Amapiano in a house balcony in the middle of a game park. Courtesy of a strong independent woman from upper kabete

Tulisema siri ni kutegea hawa wako nyuma,hawa ata hawakiambiangi,the obese,they are here to waste time jogging because they don’t have anything to do on sunday. Sasa wewe uko hapo kuwapa moyo,ukimtolea methali, “haba na haba hujaza kibaba mrembo,lets go” ukikaa kidogo unaongeza ingine, “baada ya dhiki faraja mrembo” . Remember to call her mrembo,even if shes 65 years old,they love that.

Inturn as you’re walking,shes going to point and ask you, “weh,do you know I am old enough to be your mother,ebu stop playing” If shes smiling while saying this,bas! Umegonga ndipo.

Now reply and say “miaka yangu ililiwa na nzige” . Shes not supposed to understand what that means so she’ll ask what? This is how you start a conversation. Mwambie ulichelewa kuzaliwa,lakini makosa niya wazazi. Hapa sasa she will acknowledge this guy has wisdom,I wonder what else hes going to say. And she will tolerate you,she lowers her guard

Na tulisema Wale wako huko mbele wachana nao,hao ni walalahoi. Wamelipiwa na kampuni,hao wacha wang’enganie kushinda pesa. Sisi mambo yetu iko huku nyuma.

And make sure you have also talked about manly things like How you know a friend who was working in a Ukranian Drone manufacturing company,and you buried him recenly in kisii after he was killed by Russian spys in Mozambique

Now In finishing of the running,itakua saa saba ivi,hand her your phone,ask her for her number,,mwambie wewe ni fitness coach. Ama basket ball coach,and you’ll be happy to help her burn a few callories since you dont have much to do. Akikupea namba kesho,Dont text her,text her on Tuesday,ndio asione kama uko desperate eh?. She’ll take some time to think,and then answer on Tuesday evening,

Na juu anajifanya ataki mambo mingi,she’ll tell you to come to be training her at home,on Saturdays. She has a big compound,Theres no way shes driving her Land Rover to your gym (that doesn’t exist) in uthiru to train. Ingia youtube hiyo usiku angalia mastyle.

After 3 sessions kule karen,you must intentionally erect,Amusha kitu! and she sees it,and then you’ll tell her “jesus! This never happens” pretend you’re ashamed. Tell her theres something about her,you just don’t know what. She’ll tell you its okay

Sasa baada ya hapa,niyeye huwa anakutega. She will start by overfeeding you. Baada ya hapa ni mauwano! Na hiyo shamba lazima ulime msuri ndugu yangu,sababu hiyo ndio inaamua sasa kama next week unakula kabeji bila nyanya ama coconut fish and salad.

Wuui! Sema kimeumana. Ukipita mtihani sasa kazi yako itakua kumuombea kikongwe wako asimaliswe na diabetes angalau uenjoy maisha london kidogo. Ukingojea ile kazi ya NGO alikuambia atakuconnect. Hapa naye utakua unamkumbusha kumeza dawa buana. Juu akikufa unajua kile kinangoja apa nje. Ainuliwe yeesu!

[Irungu Kang'ata @HonKangata]

New Therapy Centre Maragwa hospital

[Eric @amerix]

Pole sana Utumishi Girls.

May God comfort you.

[ERIC OMONDI @ericomondi_]

To the children of Kenya ,we are sorry.
We have failed you.terribly
Some days are heavy

[Faith Odhiambo @FaithOdhiambo8]

Spot on

[Dr Branice Munyasa @Branicemercy]

Prayers to the parents , guardians , students and everyone involved and affected by the fire in utumishi Girls 🙏 . You are in our thoughts and prayers 🙏.

[CIA Antoh @Antohny_gb]

For Utumishi girls students🥲

[Dr Branice Munyasa @Branicemercy]

We must really strongly condemn and refuse the entry of any Ebola patients into our borders … if a super power with all its resources is refusing its own citizens back who are we to accept them through our borders ?

[Irungu Kang'ata @HonKangata]

Muranga healthcare has shifted from internet via Wifi to Starlink Internet - faster ,stable & cheaper source.

Churches and Schools can apply to get cheap internet from the County.

Thanks to Paratus.

Today at Muriranjas Hospital,Kiharu- telemedicine hub

[Irungu Kang'ata @HonKangata]

Launch of Countywide Satellite Internet Upgrade for 170 Health Facilities at Muriranjas Level 4 Hospital https://t.co/RxvysmJg4I

[BlaqWit⚡️ @BlaqWit_MCFC]

"We gonna win them all"

And he did. 🐐

[Quincygitahi @quincygitahi]

Btw I’m no prophet 😂😂

[⚡️🇧🇼 @Priceless_MCI]

Thank you Pep Guardiola, forever grateful 🩵

[T-Bg @_iamtbag]

Nduthi guy: weka ya fifty.
shell attendant:

[Jim Njue @jimNjue_]

Never Gets Old

[Yator Boss☚ @Bossyator]

2021 whe fuel prices hit 148bob, Murkomen, Langat, Kindiki and Co were loud asking Uhuru Kenyatta to take responsibility. Today, fuel is at 244bob & they're so quiet. Wajinga ni sisi.

[Josphat Matu @MatuJosphat]

@abuyamasta You've chopped the wrong cock😩😩

[Josphat Matu @MatuJosphat]

@Anna_xb2 Queen Jane an artist who sang men are animals

[David Maina Ndung'u @DMainaNdungu]

In 2022, Ruto said Kang'ata wa Barua is a truthful man. I wonder what he will say now that Kang'ata has said he will not vie for re-election in 2027 on a UDA party ticket?

#RutoMustGo

[a Aboge @Aboge_27]

The Governor Nairobi city county 2027 @HEBabuOwino slapping comrades with spiritual wisdom😅😅.

" A comrade walks and just collapse" 🤣

This influence and love should be studied.

The Undisputed Kingpin
After Baba ni Babu

From Baba Care to Babu Care
Nairobi is long gone!!