Mike Ballinger

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

[NOTSportsCenter @NOTSportsCenter]

REPORT: Andy Dalton was named to the Pro Bowl after 30 NFL QBs, 180 college QBs, 8,815 H.S. QBs, and 25 YMCA QBs all turned down invitations

[Not Bill Walton @NotBillWalton]

I'm concerned for Louisville & Kentucky players. The hair grease dripping from the collective heads of Pitino & Calipari is a safety hazard.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

Washing away bodily fluids and disposing of the evidence. Am I covering up a crime or changing a diaper?

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

My daughter eats food like the Cookie Monster. She crumbles it up and none of it actually goes in her mouth.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

I'm in a bowling league and I refuse to throw strikes. If I'm paying $30/month I want at least 60 throws. I'm a value shopper.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

I'm so cool that I watch the Disney channel and eat Cheerios even when my daughter's not in the room.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

My wife went grocery shopping and then left the chili powder in the bedroom. Guess this is a hint that I need to spice things up in there.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

Watching Sesame Street and all the characters are taking a bath together. That party got weird quick.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

If Mike Holmgren and The Kool-Aid Man had a baby it would look like Andy Reid in his Kansas City Chiefs gear.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

We could drop unemployment by at least one percentage point if we outlawed neck and face tattoos.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

Football is the one silver lining to summer's end.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

Elmo's been on TV for 40 years and they're still teaching him the alphabet. #slowlearner

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

Adrian Clayborn touches Tom Brady's knee and it was hurt. Tim Tebow touched it and it was healed.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

Michelle Obama is advocating hip-hop in an effort to reduce childhood obesity. Guess she never heard of “BIGGIE,” “HEAVY D,” and “FAT Joe."

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

The average cost to raise a child is $241,080. You've all been warned.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

Before the series ends I would like for Justin Bieber, Amanda Bynes, Alex Rodriguez and Time Warner Cable to end up on Dexter's table.

[Mike Ballinger @mballinger002]

My wife just said she dances like Shakira. I said "I agree if Shakira was dancing to Hips Don't Lie in a body cast." #Sleepingoncouch