Doug Gates

tasty

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

Importantly, Clinton Station in Chicago was not named for DeWitt Clinton.

It was named for Clinton Street, which was named for DeWitt Clinton.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

What is it going to take, @PilotPenUSA? Please bring these back.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

Nothing riles up the family quite like “Hey Siri, play smooth jazz.”

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

ATM: Still reading the ad?

Me: Yeah.

[pause]

Me: You know I just want to...

ATM: Welcome! Please insert your card to begin.

(3/3)

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

"Walking Away": a conversation with my ATM in three parts.

ATM: Transaction complete! Can I help you with anything else?

Me [pressing button]: No thanks. I'm finished.

(1/3)

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

ATM: Instead of confirmation that you've logged out of your bank account before you walk away, here's an ad for a financial product you don't need.

Me: Uh, ok. I'm scanning the screen for confirmation that I've logged out.

[pause]

(2/3)

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

Every few years, I go a few weeks w/o shaving to see what I’m capable of.

I’m almost 4 weeks in to my latest attempt and my 11-year-old son just callled my beard “spider hair” and that’s so spot on and demotivating that I expect to shave this off soon.

“Spider hair.” Gross.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

People talk to my dog and expect me to answer on his behalf, and I'm not doing it anymore, because I'm a grown-ass man with feelings and expectations for how we interact with each other.

"Such big ears! What's *your* name?"
"Doug."

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

At the photographer’s request, we had to destroy a limited-edition print because of a small crease in the paper. She sent a replacement.

My son (11) oversaw the destruction of this award-winner, while my daughter (14) shot and edited the video proof.

https://t.co/FU40wBqrW3

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

@DogUmwelt The way they taught my kids to do arithmetic.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

@andyyang Dammit. My time has passed. It was a good run.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

@DogUmwelt All these dogs, taking photos of their butts from weird angles. I blame TikTok.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

@DogUmwelt From that manhunt (on my home turf!), a boop.
https://t.co/t5JimiDubT

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

@Halloranbella76 Local parents are notorious for this.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

My dental hygienist might be a sociopath.

After taking the *stellar* measurements of my periodontal pockets, she could only muster “Keep up with the flossing and you should be ok. Every day.”

Lady, with that many 2s and 3s, I expected a high five and a hug. Maybe balloons.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

@MerriamWebster From my window, I can s th blu sky, som clouds, and som trs. And vry fw minuts, I s an airplan on its final dscnt to San Digo.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

But @smokey_bear sidestepped the question about Gary. I might have to do this without his support.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

Be the change you want to see in the world. It really is this simple.

[Doug Gates @mcgrue]

Smokey didn't ignore *this* entreaty. I mean, how could he?