The Director’s Cut

Exclusive BTS(behind the scenes) action from my jokes. I need to stop making accounts for one-off jokes.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

I found an uncashed check just now. That is the purpose of this tweet. I’m doing a brag.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

Nightstands are magical. You never know what you’ll find. Week old water in a mason jar? A very dry dead flower? An empty bottle for prescription strength Tylenol? $500?

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

I think we all know that time was well spent.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

Been spending the past 30 minutes with the whole milk out on the counter trying to write the perfect cereal tweet before I start eating.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

The moral of the story is that even in our dreams, society is holding us back.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

Had a dream last night that I went back to in-person class and randomly took off my shirt so I could more efficiently take notes and halfway through I just was like “wait this is not normal behavior. I should put this back on.”

Then everyone around me did interpretative dance.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

There were four drafts for this tweet about butt cheeks. That’s above average.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

1)Pretty sure this was recalled from the depths of my early meme memory.

2)The lack of comma was a deliberate and heartbreaking decision.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

Walk into the club like oh this isn’t the bathroom sorry guys

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

McRib is back

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

Nihilism in the family groupchat.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

I’m hilarious but my wit does know bounds. These are hooves and I had full knowledge of this fact when I typed this out.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

I have no mouth and I must scream < I must press pause but I have paws

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

I’m sorry, I’m better than this, I really am.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

So you’re telling me a danish (person) made this pastry?

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

Posting screenshots of drafts so there are no questions as to what is wrong with me.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

If you are a tax agent who currently has me under review, I swear it is a huge coincidence. I realize this looks bad now but I’m kidding, I swear.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

JPEGMAFIA was right, I can’t pay these taxes.
⛓⛓⛓ 💸
⛓😮‍💨⛓
⛓⛓⛓

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

Showering with electronics is dangerous and irresponsible.

I print all of my search results out in groups of five.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

Once a month I take a shower and frantically look up “how to make. curls natural better Greek statue” exactly like this man.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

Not just because it’s funny. I want to steal money from people and be free from persecution.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

What would I do with $5,000 from @TMobile? ANYTHING I WANT 🤑  #5Gsfor5G & #Contest

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

@TMobile I live on the east coast. Best place to look at the sunrise is online #5Gsfor5G + #contest

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

The jokes is that the pastor from footloose does NOT eat rodents and it’d be funny if someone checked as a result of this tweet.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

My cat is like that pastor dude from footloose in that he hates dancing and his appetite for rodents is a fun little Easter egg that you have to watch closely for.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

Funnier if you imagine me power-walking with an effortless and elegant sway in my hips.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

Got a nosebleed on a run, these mosquitos are keeping me motivated.🏃🏻‍♂️

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

I decided to leave the poor phrasing to emphasize how much of an owie is occurring in my abdomen as I am typing.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

I’m imagining how much more of an effective runner I’d be if I had an iPod rather than an phone with internet access while tweeting.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

This deserved two likes so I had to give it to myself.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

If I ever were to be famous, a hater would say “maybe I should hit him with the force of a Volkswagen Jetta going 45 mph in a residential zone so he’ll say something that’s actually funny!” and my hypothetical future career would be over.

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

I this typed out and had forgotten what I was trying to convey by the time I came back to this app. Enjoy.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

I’m afraid to read

[The Director’s Cut @mcsDirectorsCut]

This is it. This is the humble-brag.

[Michaelwave @MichaelCoffaro]

I want to complain about about old people calling me a himbo but that’s humble-bragging so I’m just going to humble-brag now.