Mark2-D2

Man, Myth, Legend. Dad & husband extraordinair. Softball champ. Self-made thousandaire. Padawan. Lover of open bars, Ewoks & zombies. 3 x Dr. Phil guest. #CLE

[Mark2-D2 @MDaniel21]

The year is 2062. "WAP" is quietly playing over the radio. An elderly woman slowly walks over to her husband, gently presses her ass to him and whispers, "they're playing our song, Bae."

[E D. Awg @Emawnish]

Do not get a prostate exam from Home Depot

[rageful @ragehrt]

When you take a nap so good you thought you missed the school bus but its Sunday and you're 41

[Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal]

[throwing up after 10th margarita]

me: oh no I'm allergic to limes

[Mark2-D2 @MDaniel21]

You have to HAND it to him, this would be some FEAT if true.

[slice @sliceofheck]

They should make a Jurassic Park movie where all the dinosaurs and humans get along and the park runs just fine. I’m tired of this

[𝕭𝖎𝖗𝖉𝖞 𝖛𝖘 𝕭𝖆𝖇𝖞𝖑𝖔𝖓 @mary_got_grace]

Millennials have fewer wrinkles because we stopped smiling in 2001

[Ghostface Kryllah @kryzazzy]

My brain: Everything is going to be okay

My Nervous System: Okay, but hear me out, what if we panicked anyway

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

Couldn't find the pizza cutter so I used a Bryan Adams CD. It cuts like a knife.

[Slim Thick ᥫ᭡ @slim_ma97]

I miss when AI stood for Allen Iverson.

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

All things being Equal, there would be a lot of artificial sweetener in the world.

[Emma Scott @EmmaScott]

One thing great about Cybertrucks is that jokes about how dumb they are never get old.

[Steve Byrne @stevebyrnelive]

Brittney Spears arrested. Her lawyer claimed she’s innocent but she’s not that innocent.

[Mark2-D2 @MDaniel21]

@KenCarman Lamond Murray.

[Mark2-D2 @MDaniel21]

@AustinAbbott K. Bourne or Hollywood Brown for 3rd WR?

[Mark2-D2 @MDaniel21]

@TuxyDFS Roddy out of core?

[WWE @WWE]

NEVER. SAY. NEVER.

@CMPunk has just returned to WWE at #SurvivorSeries!!!

[Mark2-D2 @MDaniel21]

@barstoolsports I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

[Mark2-D2 @MDaniel21]

@DailyLoud Is she a muppet?

[Jesus Christ @jesus]

I was returning BUT YOU SHOT MY BALLOON!

[Mark2-D2 @MDaniel21]

Killing Snack Wraps @McDonalds

[Brooke Fletcher @BrookeFletcher]

What’s your biggest beef with a fast food chain?

I’ll start, Chick-fil-A needs better coffee.