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@anon_opin Change your name to Lurpak Kerry gold and you will be sorted.

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@paddypower Swooped in and nicked Carrick's chips.

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@fesshole *dials 999*

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@Everton And then the club put him in a box for a Christmas advert and he was never the same again.

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@fesshole In a similar manner I always give my nose a little rub when exiting a pub toilet despite never having taken cocaine.

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@anon_opin Waaaaa. New versions of that thing we watched as children aren't any good. I wonder why that could be...

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@paddypower Hold my beer say Everton...

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@CbwDave @ALANMYERSMEDIA They've sold the lights to Carlisle

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@NoContextBrits They'll probably all be a 'To Let' in a year or so.

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@paddypower John Black from Harchester would be a better option than Rodriguez despite being shot dead at Wembley.

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@anon_opin Stuff that. I want to be telling work where to shove it and fighting octogenerians for the last pack of bog rolls.

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@fesshole They'll just pick somebody who has cheated on zip and mankind will be doomed.

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@anon_opin You just don't get that feeling that somebody is watching your every move on a hidden camera in a hotel though.

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@anon_opin Wasn't an issue in the 70s when all our biscuits were reinforced with delicious asbestos. Even Rich Tea could be dunked 76 times.

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@NoContextBrits Wonderful that. And the tomatoes kept in a little pot so they can be thrown straight in the bin without infecting the other food.

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@anon_opin A little known fact is that the concept of time was only thought up so they could make a best leave it five minutes joke.

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@ALANMYERSMEDIA The right back position was officially retired when Coleman left.

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@NoContextBrits Two immodium?

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@SoVeryBritish "Oh probably something with the kids" is the best answer. Enough to allow escape from something you don't want to do but equally vague enough for the rare occasion that it turns out to be something fun.

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@anon_opin Good luck moving up to big school in September.