Sara Kesser

knock knock. you and i walked into a bar. let’s raise that bar 🇺🇸

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

I’m centering my data
*throws phone

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

I assert my dominance by sneezing like your dad

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

Trump needs 2 things: for the strait to be opened and for the conflict to continue. It’s a delicate dance. Unfortunately, his dance mimes hand jobs to YMCA

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

Getting a time stamp tattoo on my lower back

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

Happened again last night. This time i made 2 drinks and sang Dolly at the moon

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

When you fall asleep wayyy too early on a Friday night and wake up at 3 am you’re allowed to mix yourself a drink instead of brewing coffee. The night is old, but she fucks

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

I admire Trump’s ability to fall asleep anywhere, but what are his thoughts on Joe Biden, again? Refresh my memory foam

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

The grocery store is where I work on my social improv, and, baby, I am a goddamn star. Before you met me you had no idea cocktail cherries were so hilarious. And, no, didn’t even have to go there*. We keep it clean in aisle 3. This is a family establishment

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

I don’t hike. I romp on a path of unknown dangers in a sundress

[Eric Czuleger @Eczuleger]

Lil walk and talk about the options the US doesn’t really have right now. #theunderreport #geopolitics #iran #hormuz #predictivehistory

[Liam Nissan™ @theliamnissan]

Meta glasses are like wearing a Flock camera on your dumb face

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

My tarot cards smell like fried chicken, my cats smell like clean laundry and my household cleaning spray inexplicably smells like penis. Gonna email Bath & Body Works to get this divinity locked down in a scented candle

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

Not even Troll 2 can top the bad acting I see in AI videos. It’s late stage nepotism, but w tech billionaires and their, you guessed it, tech. They think programming makes them god-like, but really they yearn to connect w their original programmers: their mothers

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

I quit weed to focus on dick, which doesn’t seem like a brag, but my anxiety has totally disappeared. Should’ve done it sooner

[boob dylan @BYUsupersoaker]

quitting dick to focus on weed rn

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

I realized today that shitposting memes to my ig stories isn’t only about connecting w the oppressed and horny, but also about connecting with my past college radio dj self who longs to curate music that aligns best with the moment

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

Put an extra towel down babe. We’re turning this tango into a talent contest we both win 💅🏼

[boob dylan @BYUsupersoaker]

squirting so hard it lifts me off tha bed a few inches

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

My vape’s about to dip below 80%, so obviously I feel like trash

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

It’s an American men’s sports team that was doing well. Of course Trump was going to meddle. It’s the only way he can feel close to athleticism, and, in turn, his ai memes. Except he’ll never be able to fail upwards into being a good luck charm. He’s too odd, awful & obtuse

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

If you don’t break a nail dancing in your kitchen are you even doing it right? Call me a high school drama teacher, but you gotta use the space

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

That Knicks meter making poetry popular again is one of the more inspiring symptoms of a nation at war and in peril

[Sara Kesser @mentholpoptart]

I had the presence of mind to buy popsicles at the grocery store & I am hyped*