MATTer of Fact

Clevelander. Indiana Hoosier. New Yorker. Advertising copywriter. Co-host Mornings with Morty @DailyMort. IG: @MHWComedy and @NYCTinySinks

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When my grandfather died, I drank his go-to scotch in his honor. I just found out my family put down one of our dogs, so I’m off to kill a squirrel with my mouth in his honor.

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Hey @IndianaFootball, corporate needs you to find the differences between these two pictures.

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“I can’t believe it’s already 20__,” I say every year until I die.

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Free WiFi on @JetBlue is the biggest scam of all time.

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@CLETalkingHeads “Before you’re up, you’re down” sounds like the description of any given Browns game.

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@CLETalkingHeads WE NEED A PIC OF ANDY’S GLASSES

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@KenCarman All good, we can manifest together. Seed is planted. I just hope someone can free us from the current burden

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@KenCarman Penix Jr. is who I was about to ask about before my call got dumped 😂

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One day you're 18, slapping a bag of Franzia, the next day you're 30 and getting excited about a new mug.

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Yo @Apple you need to update your calendars, Passover is not one night. You got 20 days of Easter events but one night of an 8-night holiday?

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Work hack: Don’t.

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@stavistacheman I often break thermometers and pour the mercury into my Gatorade, yes.

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What idiot approved this post with this caption and didn’t think the comments would go sideways??

[SportsCenter @SportsCenter]

Real ones know 🤞

(via @CavinderHaley, @CavinderHanna)

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@stavistacheman The entire concept of a carry-on for anything over two days is a fallacy. Oh, you need shoes for the wedding, rehearsal dinner, and non-wedding events? Lol sorry you didn’t want to pack any clothes with those, did you?

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HOW DO YOU PEOPLE PACK IN JUST A CARRY-ON, TWO PAIRS OF MY SHOES TAKE UP HALF THE GODDAMN BAG!!!!!!

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If you can pack for more than two days in a carry-on, fuck you.

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The entire concept of packing in a carry-on is a lie.

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HOW DO YOU PEOPLE PACK IN JUST A CARRY-ON, TWO PAIRS OF MY SHOES TAKE UP HALF THE GODDAMN BAG!!!!!!

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In those rare times that Bobby actually loses on Beat Bobby Flay, I literally yell “Fuck you, Bobby!” at the TV as if he’s personally wronged me like his ex wives.

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Hey can we push this meeting back? It’s interfering with me trying to make lunch.

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My girlfriend didn’t like this one but I stand by it.

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You guys ever realize Vermont and New Hampshire are just kinda 69ing up there

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@faroutmandyj Find the lie.

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You guys ever realize Vermont and New Hampshire are just kinda 69ing up there