mikeshumor

Creator Christ follower, husband, dad, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, exMeridianStar paperboy. I’d unfollow myself if I could #RollTide

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

Why couldn't the pilots work today?

*They came down with the flew. ✈️🤒*

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

Worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office?

If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?”
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”
“Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is in my heart. Barney’s on my underpants.”

One Liner 
Elections: Things that are held to see if the polls were right.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

After dinner, the children turned to Uncle Jacob and asked if he would tell them a story.
“A story about what?” asked Jacob.
“About a giant,” squealed the children.
Jacob smiled, leaned against the warm stones at the side of the fireplace, and his voice turned softly inward.
“Once there was a boy who asked his father to take him to see the great parade that passed through the village. The father, remembering the parade from when he was a boy, quickly agreed, and the next morning the boy and his father set out together.
“As they approached the parade route, people started to push in from all sides, and the crowd grew thick. When the people along the way became almost a wall; the father lifted his son and placed him on his shoulders.
“Soon the parade began and as it passed, the boy kept telling his father how wonderful it was and how spectacular were the colors and images. The boy, in fact, grew so prideful of what he saw that he mocked those who saw less saying, even to his father, ‘If only you could see what I see.'”
“But,” said Jacob staring straight in the faces of the children, “what the boy did not look at was why he could see. What the boy forgot was that once his father, too, could see.”
Then as if he had finished the story, Jacob stopped speaking.
“Is that it?” said a disappointed girl. “We thought you were going to tell us a story about a giant.”
“But I did,” said Jacob. “I told you a story about a boy who could have been a giant.”
“How?” squealed the children.
“A giant,” said Jacob, “is anyone who remembers we are all sitting on someone else’s shoulders.”
“And what does it make us if we don’t remember?” asked the boy.
“A burden,” answered Jacob.

One Liner 
Nobody is as blind as a person who refuses to see.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

When is a door not a door ?

when its ajar

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

Where does darth vader get his sneakers?

The darth maul

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

What did Steve Martin say when he got up on stage and accidentally bumped into another comedian?

Well excuuuuuuuuse meeeeeee!!!!

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game.

He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game.

The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, “That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!”

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

Did you hear about the furious ice cream man?

He had quite a meltdown.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

One Liner
People say 60 is the new 40. The cop who just pulled me over didn't agree.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

How do you find a leopard in the dark?

You use a spot light.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

Have you heard about the situation in Iran?

Israeli bad.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

I hate waiting for my morning beverage to brew…

…I guess the price of tea is … steep.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

I got cast in a film about a bakery.

It’s not a huge part… Just a small roll.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

A conceited new rookie was pitching his first game.
He walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game.
The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, “That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!”

One Liner 
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on the carpet/rug are directly correlated to the newness and cost of that carpet/rug.

[mikeshumor @michaelmay]

A man gets a haircut, and the barber keeps asking, “So… how’s your mother-in-law these days?”

The man replies, “She’s fine.”

A few minutes later, the barber asks again, “And your mother-in-law? How’s she doing?”

The man starts getting irritated.

“I just told you she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about her?”

The barber grins and says, “Oh, it’s not because I care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up, and that makes it much easier for me to cut.”