The Orangutan

Writing the occasional joke.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

My girlfriend asked me what I was going to do after I saw a rat in the garage. I said based on its size, broker a truce.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

So, this has been a 200 million year charade just to get rid of geese? Talk about a long con.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

Ok, you got me with that sign.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@shkeela1278 Killing innocent wedding parties in Yemen with drone strikes.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@KhanSaba1278 If he still has his backpack, he did not die anywhere near Detroit.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@_josephine0_ That's a pretty light month for my ex.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@_josephine0_ I would call it "The Peninsula of my Sneaky Uncle's Juicy Hog". A little wordy, I get it, but we are just spitballing here.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@adamcarolla Bring a Trailer. #Richmanpoorman

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@adamcarolla One of your most valuable assets is your grill. #richmanpoorman

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@wildethingy I have aways been interested in "bogs". We don't have "bogs" in the United States, I don't think. We definitely don't have them in Oklahoma, if they are anything close to swamps. But we absolutely have "bog witches". Every continent has Ex-girlfriends.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@saniyafatma1278 Jeff

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@honeymoon250 Rock bottom is a complete reset on your life. Fresh start, take what you have learned from your failures and do it right this time.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@IAmSteveHarvey Naughty answers on Family Feud. ;)

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@EmilySm43 Don't fall for the tired belief that you have one "soul mate" out there. Making it work with someone who is flawed just like you is what is truly beautiful about love.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@Matt_Pinner Even if you make less money, find a job you truly love doing. There is nothing in the world that adds years to your life and takes away stress than waking up to an alarm and not being miserable thinking about what you have to do for the rest of the day.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@wildethingy I think the main difference is we enjoy kissing. How you guys could call something so romantic "snogging" says everything. ;)

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@honeymoon250 Todd

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@oelma__ Everyone has one, but most people don't realize it. If you think I'm lying, pull out that weird drawer under the oven...

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@wildethingy What are ya gonna do, I have an unusual family as well.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

@wildethingy Perhaps they would be more likely to believe you are a wizard by showing them your staff.

[The Orangutan @MichaelPosada]

Concert tickets are INSANE now. 400$ for two nosebleed tickets to see Zack Attack, unreal.