Mike Hale

Resident Midwesterner telling jokes in Austin, Texas. Contributor to fine publications like @greenerpastsat @ummuddy and @havencomedy and ATX’s Sidecar Junkaroo

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Standup is dope and I love it. I’m way more active on instagram. Follow me there or don’t follow me at all. Mike.Hale.Jokes

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

@Iberia Hey thanks for the thoughtful response. It took hours to rebook because you only had two people working the desk. Then when we finally got rebooked and ended our 32hour travel nightmare, you didn’t send all of our bags to the final destination. Absolutely terrible experience.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Almost 100 of us trapped in Madrid because @Iberia wouldn’t hold the plane for 15min. All of our connecting flights were delayed by @Iberia. Then they delayed the plane they wouldn’t let us on for 30 more minutes to get our luggage off. Here is the line we’ve been in for an hour.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Nuts are just edible wood

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

I don’t know if there is a recommended number of cologne squirts, but if you leave an elevator and your scent doesn’t, that’s too much papi. That’s too much. Too much.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

The “immigrants are taking our jobs” crowd doesn’t seem to give a shit about @Waymo

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

I always found the term “resting bitch face” to be wildly sexist since we never apply it to men; despite many of them having it. Maybe if we started using “resting dick face” I would feel better about it.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

In the Bible, Sampson’s power came from his hair. God knew I was OP so he nerfed me around 32. Smart.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Hot take: if every take is a “hot take” then no takes are “hot.”
“dIE hArD iS a CHriStMas mOVie.” Shut up.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Podcast idea: “Protect and Swerve.” It’s just two cops hammered drunk on patrol, choppin’ it up.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

In a business meeting someone said “Our client is a boner pill company, for lack of a better term.” There isn’t a lack. There are a million better terms to use in a business meeting than “boner pill company.”

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Is there anything that says “I’ve completely given up” louder than a pair of @HeyDudeShoes?

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

I love the beer and wine samples at the grocery store. Every time they offer me one I say “yeah, why not? One little sample won’t make me relapse.” Then I shoot it and scream “OH GOD THAT’S GOOD” and take off my shirt.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Prolly getting scammed for sure, but I like to gamble. Trying to take advantage of this trade war by buying some Nikes directly from the kids making them. Stay tuned for the results.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

If you are playing Cards Against Humanity in 2025, do not invite me to your party. You’re boring and I don’t want to have to tell you to your face.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Why do we measure rain in inches and not gallons?

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Physical trainers cost too much. Just follow one around a few feet behind while they are training someone else. Then just do their last work out as soon as they finish.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

How many birds do you see every day? Dozens? Hundreds? How often do you see a dead bird? Almost never. Where are the millions of birds dying?

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

Getting an aisle seat in an exit row with no one in the middle seat is the poor man’s first class. Outta my face, poorvos.

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

I’ve spent thousands of dollars on therapy. Turns out a joint and 3 hours of “Total Request Playlist” on @MTV Classic fixed me. #sicksick

[Mike Hale @mikerodosing]

If drinking 9 Jack and Cokes is bad for me, why is my pee so clear? Checkmate.