MissBamantha

start over, I wasn't listening

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

@ibid78 did you just watch the TZ episode where the guy's glasses break

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

Where are all these koalas changing their babies' diapers in public bathrooms and how do I befriend them

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

A nationwide recall of the popular children's cereal Trix was issued today
"Just dump them out in your garden" said one long-eared FDA agent

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

"I'm just increasingly worried that Serial won't have a satisfying conclusion," I grumble from not prison.

[tara shoe @tarashoe]

age 9: i want cereal for dinner
age 19: i can only afford cereal for dinner
age 29: actually, it's best to eat 5 smaller cereal meals a day

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

That panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over months, is basically how relationships feel.

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

Everyone at this CVS sees my gym clothes and assumes I've been working out but my slippers and I know I've been on the couch all night.

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

Just delicately pointed my toe, stretched my leg, and banged my keyboard with my foot until netflix unpaused

[vladchoc @vladchoc]

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

Just saw a cute guy outside 7-11 eating a Rice Krispie treat for breakfast and checked for a wedding ring. This is a weird time in my life.

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

But if I don't leave my house in my pajamas, how will I ever get discovered and become a pajama model?

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

Dating sounds like a thing for people who don't regularly take bites so big they can't physically swallow until they let some fall out

[Alli Reed @alliperson]

If you don't love seeing couples walk down the sidewalk hand in hand, I have to assume you're just way worse at Red Rover than me

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

Did not anticipate that adulthood would include eying a restaurant table like crawling under it was a viable shortcut to the bathroom

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

*David Attenborough narrates*

"Apparently tired from making the cat do the Thriller dance, the 31 yr old female falls asleep on the floor."

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

[MissBamantha @MissBamanthaa]

My legacy will be a dusty carton of unused checks. I plan to leave it to the bank with a note saying, "WHY DO THESE COME IN BOXES OF 1000"