Melissa Fortner

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

Just thinking about the time a relative told my mom she needed to monitor my social cause I was throwing up gang signs.
It was the ✌🏼 sign

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@wthitsbf Same

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@wthitsbf Wrong. Joceys always been the favorite. You’re maxines favorite tho

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@wthitsbf I feel like my mantra was “snitches get stitches” by 11 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@wthitsbf One of my favorite things we picked up from them honestly.

[Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman]

We can pump out half a million SuperBowl tee shirts for the losing team but we can’t make masks for motherfucking healthcare workers risking their lives everyday?

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

My drunk ass taking mirror selfies in a bar bathroom. Laughing so hard at how ridiculously embarrassing I am. I’m dumb but I’m so incredibly happy. #girlday #mimosas

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

Someone at work assumed I’ve had a good life my entire existence and it sort of hit me that no one but me knows the actual hell I thought I’d never survive.
I feel like so many people can relate to this. #heytwitter #beenawhile

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@musclesvw Aweee 😭☺️

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

22 with carpel tunnel and heart problems. Living life to the fullest over here 🙃

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

If I could hand pick all my friends boyfriends/girlfriends I would... because I’m the mom friend and I hate pretending to like people that I think don’t deserve you guys. 🙃

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

My sons think breastfeeding is completely normal and they see no other purpose for boobs except that. To feed their sister. And it feels like a big mom win. Boobs are milk bags. Quit acting offended🤷🏻‍♀️#normalizebreastfeeding #startsathome

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

Living in a small town is “omg, your son could be (totally unrelated child) twin!” really carol? Because the only similar characteristic they have is that they’re brown 🙃 #sorryson #smalltowns

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@musclesvw Omg vinnyyyyy 😭 you need to do that lol

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@musclesvw Wait, are you registered to vote?

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@musclesvw First step is accepting the flaw. Second step is fixing it. You gotta week, bro 😜

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

My son says he’s going to live with me forever and he’s never getting married because he only needs me in his life. idk if I should be worried about a future 30 year old still living at home, or just be happy that he loves me that much ❤️ #momlife #mysweetboy

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@musclesvw You need to lose whoever’s killin your soul.

[Melissa Fortner @missyfortner]

@musclesvw I feel this on a whole level. People fucking suck. But I got you. Always have, dude. 👌🏼