Michael Johnson

My parents found me floating down the Nile in a basket. Sent me to an in-state college.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@MaggieMaeFish This is very good news to hear. Congratulations!!!

[Sky News @SkyNews]

French Senator Claude Malhuret criticised Donald Trump's administration, calling the US President an "incendiary emperor" and Elon Musk "a ketamine-fuelled buffoon".

https://t.co/ylOTvUQy8g

[just thinking @isawthesethings]

@AndyKimNJ These are their words… the video version.

What happened to these GOP who originally spoke out against the insurrection?👇🏼

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@BlockClubCHI This is also a map that shows where Chicago police and firemen live.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@scuriiosa I was there tonight with a Royals fan. As soon as the ball was hit I started laughing at the absurdity of it all.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@vinn_ayy There is only one way to hold a tote bag: around your waist, like a saddle bag, as God intended.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@vinn_ayy My couch was a rescue from a shelter like this. In reality, that couch rescued me.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@JRFegan Shaw was the lucky one!

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@weknowyourdata @NiseiLounge A constantly updated list of grievances. Every day is Festivus!

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@TalkinBaseball_ Gotta work on defense or something like that.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@ArneParrott Nicely-tailored Swift

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@PitcherList This tweet is just dumb enough to work!

[CALL TO ACTIVISM @CalltoActivism]

A British writer penned the best description of Donald Trump I’ve ever read:

“Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?”

A few things spring to mind. Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem. For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honour and no grace – all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed. So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.

Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing – not once, ever. I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility – for us, to lack humour is almost inhuman. But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is – his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.

Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers. And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults – he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.

There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface. Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront. Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul. And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist. Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that. He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat. He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.

And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully. That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a snivelling sidekick instead. There are unspoken rules to this stuff – the Queensberry rules of basic decency – and he breaks them all. He punches downwards – which a gentleman should, would, could never do – and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless – and he kicks them when they are down.

So the fact that a significant minority – perhaps a third – of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think ‘Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy’ is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:

• Americans are supposed to be nicer than us, and mostly are.

• You don’t need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.

This last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss. After all, it’s impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum.

God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid. He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart. In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws – he would make a Trump.

And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish: ‘My God… what… have… I… created?' If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set.”

-Nate White

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@NiseiLounge Make him work a shift on TBox weekend.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@AaronRodgers12 You’ve been hacked, bro!

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@vinn_ayy The only way a person's face would still look like their face is if they were in a Face/Off scenario. This is either Nicolas Cage or John Travolta under that skin.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

Yeah, but Biden is old.

[Brian Krassenstein @krassenstein]

BRILLIANT!

If you have not read Eric Swalwell's questions to Hunter Biden during his hearing, you have to.

SWALWELL: Any time your father was in government, prior to the Presidency or before, did he ever operate a hotel?

BIDEN: No, he has never operated a hotel.

SWALWELL: So he’s never operated a hotel where foreign nationals spent millions at that hotel while he was in office?

BIDEN: No, he has not.

SWALWELL: Did your father ever employ in the Oval Office any direct family member to also work in the Oval Office?

BIDEN: My father has never employed any direct family members, to my knowledge.

SWALWELL: While your father was President, did anyone in the family receive 41 trademarks from China?

BIDEN: No.

SWALWELL: As President and the leader of the party, has your father ever tried to install as the chairperson of the party a daughter-in-law or anyone else in the family?

BIDEN: No. And I don’t think that anyone in my family would be crazy enough to want to be the chairperson of the DNC.

SWALWELL: Has your father ever in his time as an adult been fined $355 million by any State that he worked in?

BIDEN: No, he has not, thank God.

SWALWELL: Anyone in your family ever strike a multibillion dollar deal with the Saudi Government while your father was in office?

BIDEN: No.

SWALWELL: That’s all I’ve got.

[Michael Johnson @mjjmike]

@gwcrump @brookebreit But if you have a doting grandma in your party, they could give a "words of encouragement" buff to minimize the damage a party grandma might take.