Manda

tweet today, twat tomorrow

[Manda @mndapckm]

Hot dog is to sausage what square is to rectangle.

[Manda @mndapckm]

How do you discern “good” bagpipes from “bad” bagpipes

They are pipes
And they all sound like…pipes. Not good

[Manda @mndapckm]

Why doesn’t the @ROCAirport bar not open until 10??? What kind of backwards town is this?? (Jk I am from here but fr 🫠)

[Manda @mndapckm]

This is assault

[Manda @mndapckm]

People who steep themselves in cologne before a flight should be charged with a hate crime.

[Manda @mndapckm]

People who fly wearing hats meant for the Kentucky Derby give me so many questions. Where do you put the hat when it’s inevitably hitting your row mate in the head? Does it rest in your lap? Why are we still buying hats made of straw? Where is your hat box?

[McSweeney's @mcsweeneys]

Q: Was the item expensive?

A: If not, it can’t be bespoke. Unless it’s vintage, in which case it could've been a bespoke purchase for someone else years ago, and thus there is a bespoke run-off, also known as second-hand bespoke/trickle-down bespoke.
https://t.co/kmtwxFcjBn

[Manda @mndapckm]

@RottenInDenmark I just went off my lexapro and now I have to worry about mad cow disease again?! Forced cannibalization of cows? Watermelon seed babies? LITERAL poison apples? I’m terrified

[Manda @mndapckm]

Hi my name is Amanda and I am morally opposed to the airport known as O’Hare.

[Manda @mndapckm]

You got to hug Tony Shalhoub!!

[Manda @mndapckm]

@rainnwilson I’m watching Galaxy Quest for the umpteenth time and uhhh how have I never peeped you in Galaxy Quest before??! You sneaky lil dweeb!

[Manda @mndapckm]

CMON HOBBIT LET’S GO OMELETTE
Oi oi oi yeah
Cmon hobbit meet my friend ent
OOOooOOO, OOooOo

[Manda @mndapckm]

I’m a hobbit girl, in a hobbit world. Imagine breakfast, now ✨second✨ breakfast

[Manda @mndapckm]

You can drink my ale, it’s an India paaaaale. Imagination, loving forestation 🥰🌲🌲🌲

[Manda @mndapckm]

The answer is Shrek.

[Manda @mndapckm]

My toddler bestie is out of sorts today (we are sharing a cold), and she is proving to be an exceptional communicator. I literally never have to guess how she’s feeling. How to get it to stop on the other hand ???

[Manda @mndapckm]

Watching To Wong Foo for the first time and “Don’t quote me, but I think this one is decease-ed!” will live in my brain for the rest of my 30s at least

[Frog and Toad Bot @FrogandToadbot]

“What a day for a swim,” said Frog.

“Yes,” said Toad. “I will go behind these rocks and put on my bathing suit.”

“I don’t wear a bathing suit,” said Frog.

“Well, I do,” said Toad.

[Manda @mndapckm]

Here are this week’s trends, as per the 2yo I nanny for:

In: Miss Rachel, purple socks, the word no, Moana necklaces, opening Babybel cheese, the phrase “I dunno!”

Out: anything I want to watch, everything she liked last week, eating Babybel cheese

[Manda @mndapckm]

Watching the business deals on #SuccesionHBO and all I hear is this

https://t.co/UVDe03EhcJ