Snails & Top Hats

Being crazy isn't enough. ~ Dr. Seuss

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

I love how CVS has a smut novels section that’s not a whole book section.

Vitamins
Medication
Hygiene
Snacks
Makeup
Smut novels
Bandaids
Tissues

CVS just wants you to feel good dude

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

The amount of content on my IG feed trying to convince me that I, an adult woman, have ~undiagnosed ADHD~ is getting out of hand.

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

Satire plot: apply to become a policeman in a very serious manner and when they ask you why, just say you want to neglect stop signs, your blinker, and the speed limit. Insist that is your sole motivation & be honest about your job history/capabilities for the entire interview.

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

TIL what the worst tortilla chip tastes like. Honestly didn’t know they could get this bad. Neither thin nor crispy but triple the salt & it’s a bad time :(

This is a public service announcement

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

Send me some popular joke formats I AM READY

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

YOU CAN TIP PEOPLE ON HERE?!

Oh you best bet I’m returning to Twitter. Did y’all see me feet pics for 2021?

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

Is badmouthing brands an atypical strategy to gaining fame, fortune, and authority? Idk. Sponsor me

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

I might just start tweeting tweets at Twitter dot com

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

For example, who do I hate Michael Kors so much? Some of their stuff is CUTE but then I see their logo & 🤮

Why

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

Finally, Steve Madden and all its spin off brands fire me up in my loins! Stop stealing! (Unless ur gonna make the quality appropriate for the price, then sponsor me plz)

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

And, I am NOT a sneaker head, that’s for sure

[Cheish @TheCheish]

My new thing is finding birds that look like they are twice divorced

[Stephen @saxton16]

If you blame the kicker after your team loses on a last second kick you probably use 3 in 1 shampoo and don’t tell your mom you love her on the phone

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

If I wanted grasshopper protein I’d buy that instead. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

I found a dead grasshopper in my protein powder today so that’s the end of trying to be healthy in 2019 @RIVALUS #lookingatyou

[jp @excesstential]

Getting touched during heads up seven up was the last time i felt something

[UnDo 512 @undo512]

i’m sorry to everyone who has ever been on the road while i’m driving at night i’m sorry i’m trying my best but i am Afraid

[Dr. Phil @DrPhil]

Some of you never watched Dr. Phil growing up and it shows.

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

There’s a pun to be made here

[Snails & Top Hats @mo_vitaluna]

This weekend I gained a sister and also discovered a vein in my forehead that apparently everyone else already knew about 🤷🏻‍♀️ #vain but #notvainenough