Mollie Wallace

New Orleans artist and I also tend bar.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

I buy my bagels unsliced because I like to live life on the edge.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

We're a hat family. #beAtouristNOLA

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

Adam Levine is the sexiest man alive? Do they know he doesn't wear clothing, only a trained army of crotch lice? His sweaters move!

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

I'm hoping that writing this list about not drinking will keep me occupied until I give birth and can drink again.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

7) I don't need to drink to have fun. I do need to drink to have MORE fun, though. Unless I'm on a rollercoaster. Then, I don't need a thing

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

6) I don't think I'm any *better* than the girl who is wasted on jäger bombs and just puked in her purse. But I know I'm better company.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

5) N/A beer only tastes like real beer to people who have never tasted beer before, ever. To me, it tastes like I wish I was drinking beer.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

4) Waking up without a hangover is nice but overrated. Hangovers are necessary for when you need a good, hard reason to drink before 10 am.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

3) I used to think I would get so much stuff done if only I wasn't so hungover all the time. Total asshole lie. I'm still the worst.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

2) I am not a surprisingly awesome secret singer. I'm not even kind of okay. I'm super, super awful. Drunk karaoke is still in my future.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

1) No matter how much I love you, you are insufferably annoying when you're blackout wasted. You are the worst and I hate you. Don't hug me.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

50 things I've learned from almost 9 months of not drinking a lot (physician approved occasional glass of wine notwithstanding). Listen up.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

Men competing on The Price Is Right always seem to think that their virility will be judged by how hard and fast they can spin that wheel.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

Horny teenagers take note: What's sexier than a 9m pregnant sufferer of sneeze incontinence? Nothing. This is WHY sex was invented.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

Well, Cowboys. Some days you're the bug and some days you're the windshield. In today's case, you're Drew Brees' bitch.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

@HeSaidSheSaidNO I'm all the way up to 12 whole followers. This is me patting myself on the back in a very self congratulatory and smug way.

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

I feel like a tool using twitter when it would take me exactly the same amount of time to individually text every single one of my followers

[Mollie Wallace @moll_wallace]

Hello, Twitter. I don't really know how to use you! I'm going to go ask Facebook. I'll be back.