Mommonucleosis

I'm all jacked up on too much estrogen and not enough coffee. I'll write masterpieces if I ever stop procrastinating and occasionally, I'm hilarious. 👍

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

I've become the mom loudly listening to "fat bottom girls" with the windows down in the pickup line.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

Someone invite me to a DM room so I can fall asleep before all the good stuff happens.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

*checks watch*

...Has Chris Pratt @prattprattpratt been dubbed the sexiest man alive yet?

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

Being a daytime bartender is super weird.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

The shower temperature isn't quite right until your pee feels cold.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

You know it was a good night at karaoke when you're sending "sorry about the nudes" texts 2 days later.

[Benny 'The Pole' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Never do anything permanent in your 20s.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

I have been screaming for my entire life.

But my own hands have covered my face, so no one understands what the fuck I'm trying to say.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

There's never been a more temporary fixture than I.

[Mr Sarcastic @raymondh3h3]

The fuck is everybody... I know you motherfuckers don’t have jobs

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

Alcoholism.

Why not? Life's already a raging dumpster fire.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

Bikefest this year has been...

Dangerous. Apparently.

[CrazyAF⚜️ButCute @CrazyAF_ButCute]

Sometimes I just really need a Fucking hug.

Not from you. You go shower.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

Fuck. 😶

[msch1 🇺🇸 @mschluensen1]

How fucking sad is it to feel guilty about wanting to be happy?

[Doug Bies @dougbies]

I just want to be filthy rich enough to have a moat around my house

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

I think I'll write a book called

"So you think you're a hot mess?"

There will be so many volumes.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

Don't threaten me with a good time.

[billy joel with a menacing aura @letmedomyshow]

Alexa, brush my teeth.

[Mommonucleosis @Mommonucleosis]

How long was I gone this time? Roughly 6 months? Maybe less? Yeah. Didn't work out. Fuck it.