DistinguishedLoiter

Ambassador to the Cosmos

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

Guns don't kill people, people who write manifestos kill people

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

This glass gash made me forget all about that paper cut

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

The most common mistake I make when having sex is not having the sex

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

No matter how much weed I smoke, I'll never look as high as this newborn sober baby #420

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

The first rule for Mountain Climbing. You don't talk about Mountain Climbing

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

I find lost causes affect my bearings

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

When I play chopped at home it means more pasta, less meatballs

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

My kids have graduated, I called and woke them up for school, now they're threatening me with grandkids

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

I like to keep my heart open, my door cracked and my eyes closed when she's around

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

I'm dressed casual no matter what I'm wearing

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

If I was fishing, I would have yanked the reel but I knew she wasn't a keeper so I took a mental picture and let her hand go

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

My acupuncture involves knives and punches

[Austin Comedy Info @atxcomedyinfo]

The Comedy Cafe tonight @ Cenote http://t.co/yArfU2Vu29

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

I'm a full grown lil rascal

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

Lots of laughter tonight @CenoteAustin free with drink specials, great lineup and @TiffanyStepp

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

It's easy to let go of someone who never held on

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

Candy wrappers can't replace a mother's embrace

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

There's some I love, there's some I like and there's some I'd like to not know

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

It felt great doing a flip on a trampoline and then I landed

[DistinguishedLoiter @montgomerywayne]

I prefer to chew fat that is word free