Voices in my Head

My bio is better than yours

[Voices in my Head @Moronyc]

@footballtweet Casillas

[Shane @shanethevein]

You know those mornings where you get up swearing you’ll never drink again?

I’ll drink to that.

[Eve @lovemydogduck]

Only a fool trips on what's behind him.

[Donna McCoy @Donna_McCoy]

The more honest you are, the less words you need.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Protip: The New Year’s Eve joke “See you next year” is not nearly as funny when said in January.

[Shane @shanethevein]

No one is born a virgin.

We’re all fucked.

[Shane @shanethevein]

I’d be a lot funnier if you guys were just a little bit smarter.

[C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau]

A Man Bun is just a Millennial Mullet.

[Verifried Drunk™®© @VerifiedDrunk]

New Years Resolution Hack: Trade in a dollar bill for 4 quarters.

Now you've changed.

[IG @samalmightysam]

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

The days start to blur together over the holidays, I just checked the calendar and it was thursatnesday.

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

Will I enjoy "The Last Jedi" if I didn't see "The Penultimate Jedi"?

[C’est La Vie @Robert_Beau]

I wish these people in this line to see Santa would quit asking where my child is.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

Wife: You're going to need to rake them up this weekend. You can't just leave them there.

Me: Then why are they called "leaves"?

[Eve @lovemydogduck]

Everything is falling apart according to plan