IG

Comedian, Writer, Rocket Scientist. Business: [email protected]

[IG @samalmightysam]

On a scale from 1 to 10, how distracted are you?

Yes.

[IG @samalmightysam]

Whoever said time flies has never done a plank

[IG @samalmightysam]

Whoever said time flies has never done a plank

[IG @samalmightysam]

Maybe the Bible is just another one of those Marvel Comics.

[IG @samalmightysam]

Women with freckles have a lot of points in their favor.

[IG @samalmightysam]

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship!

[IG @samalmightysam]

I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship!

[IG @samalmightysam]

In Disney movies, when they say ''And they lived happily ever after'' they never explain whether it was together or apart.

[IG @samalmightysam]

Women are like math: difficult to understand, but necessary for everything.

[IG @samalmightysam]

Sunday’s is when you want to do everything and nothing at the same time

[IG @samalmightysam]

Sunday’s is when you want to do everything and nothing at the same time

[IG @samalmightysam]

If you love someone, let them go, if it was me, you're stupid.

[IG @samalmightysam]

Let's give it up for grandmas who get offended and scared when they hear the word penis, but have like 12 kids.

[IG @samalmightysam]

There comes a time when your inner demons ask for a bigger hell.

[IG @samalmightysam]

The Rules of Twitter are:
1. Talk about what you don’t know
2. The less you know about a subject the more thy shall talk about it
3. Become an expert at everything
4. Have an opinion about everything especially what you don’t know anything about

[IG @samalmightysam]

Stay with whoever looks for you like they look for their phone when they can’t feel it in their pockets

[IG @samalmightysam]

Volume is never enough for the song you love...

[IG @samalmightysam]

Volume is never enough for the song you love...

[IG @samalmightysam]

Hi, I'm your car's radio. I'll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I'll play your favorite song.

[IG @samalmightysam]

Menstruation
Day 1. Don't touch me
Day 2. Hug me
Day 3. Don't talk to me
Day 4. Why don't you speak to me?
Day 5. You never understand me