One Classy Motha

I enjoy drinking wine in my king size bed while offering bad & often unadvisable advice.

[One Classy Motha @MothaKim]

Do you ever get in your pajamas, wash your face, then accidentally brush your teeth, totally forgetting you’re not done with your bedtime wine? I hate that.

[One Classy Motha @MothaKim]

When I was single, I’d get drunk and text ex-boyfriends. Now I just register my kids for summer camps. Most have a 7:30 am drop off time so the overall feeling is still regret.

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

This killing them with kindness is taking longer than I thought it would...

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.

[The Real Rodney Lacroix @RealRodLacroix]

Me: [print]
Printer: You're low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You're low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

[Boyd's Backyard™ @TheBoydP]

I pride myself on making good life choices, then picking a check out line brings me back to reality.

[One Classy Motha @MothaKim]

Doctor: Do you have a dry cough or a wet cough?

Me: I’ve carried & birthed 2 babies

Doctor:

Me: every cough is a wet cough.

[One Classy Motha @MothaKim]

This week we got new carpet, upholstered dining chairs, and a sectional couch.
So now my kids eat on a tarp in the bathroom.

[One Classy Motha @MothaKim]

Tomorrow, while your kid is holding a “First Day of Fourth Grade” sign, mine will have a “Fifteenth Outfit I’ve Tried On” angrily painted in red wine.

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

[One Classy Motha @MothaKim]

My kids are at that age where now I only have cute stories about the dog.

[Just J @junejuly12]

Wrapping presents is the folding laundry of Christmas

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

Hubs, “I can’t remember if I locked the door.”

Me, “But do you remember flirting with that waitress and tipping her 34 percent at Outback Steakhouse in 2012? Her name was Debbie.”

[One Classy Motha @MothaKim]

Kid- “mom, I’m out of toothpaste���

Me in December- “put it on your Christmas list”

[SlappNuttz @SlappNuttz]

My wife and I have one of those couches that opens up, and then turns into my bed.

[SHANtilly Lace @theshantilly]

I’m gonna go ahead & turn back my clocks now cuz I need the sleep.

[One Classy Motha @MothaKim]

8yo - "My doll needs to go to the AG store to get her hair done."
Yeah, I go to the fucking Cut-N-Curl but let's take her to New York City

[brent @murrman5]

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?