Mike “Mike Newton” Newton

Courier

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

The Catastrophe - ‘AFTER HOURS’ (1985) - Good Luck With That Man (2025)

dir. Car Seat Headrest & Martin Scorsese

[𓊓 @social_actavis]

i was in my car sipping gas station opium in the Bos-Wash hinterland (charging my vapor cigarette) when, absentmindedly scrolling my portable joybox, i became entranced by video of the president’s UFC gladiator birthday. the last time i saw bugs on a windshield i was seven

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

flunked out of mime college because I didn’t heed the more esoteric readings found within the tutelage; namely on non-contact auto eroticism

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

:% //: INCOMING TRANSMISSION %: //

<PRIORITY CONTRACT>

>//://[STATUS INITIATE]//>

find all the beautiful devs who worked on
Marathon and jerk them off to completion (0/?*)

{IN A SINGLE RUN}

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Broke into my doctor’s office late last night, to steal the answers for the eye exam tomorrow. Fled in a hurry and cannot remember if I put away the speculum where I found it, after trying to give myself a Pap smear.

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Michael sounds https://t.co/NbdNdMhqix

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

You’re peeling 81mph in the left lane on I-25 and a ford transit pulls up to the lane beside you, matching speed. It’s me. Hello. I turn my body a full 90° and put both palms flat up against the glass. Squished nose and open mouth joined by my vacant wide eyes. I’d like to merge.

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

I can hardly ever remember how to turn off the car, so whenever I park I usually just pop the hood and rip the battery out

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Saw castration movie and have been listening to the soundtrack. Woag. I must Live life in a way that is antithetical to Incel Superman. Ready? GO! https://t.co/pIA3QZbecn

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Guys at the shop said they could “Check under the hood and take a look” and I’m currently being trespassed and detained after whipping out my uncircumcised scrotum.

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Boss said he needs to see me in his office
Closed the door and he said spin around for me and I did and then he said that’s all he needed and I was free to go

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Going through my list of potential baby names, I’ve put a lot of thought into this but for twin girls— I’m thinking The Batman and The Hobbit.

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

@ImStrobey Tell em Mike sent you. Look at those hot wheels™️ #MikesWay

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

When we string these guys up, where are we going to do it?? What’s our Nuremberg? Mar-a-Lago? The ballroom maybe ? Pete Hegseth’s mired and dank goon cave perhaps ? What is the heart of the American Regime ? Buccees? Open to suggestions

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

This is just one (1) of the reasons why erasure poetry is a very beautiful and underrated art form :)

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

If I had a nickel for every time a trusted adult in my life told me this 😭

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Suspiciously elongated package in the mail for me. Comedic savant and 26 year old brother says “Your dildo came in today.” Nice one. Grow up. It’s a literally just a bike pump, man. For my latex inflation fetish.

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Using prox chat to shoot the shit with the team behind the bullet proof glass on Cryo Archive

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

I’m too nervous to jerk off to the thought of her

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Work just bought a brand new van for me to drive and bond with. #CRASH1996 #Cowtools

[Mike “Mike Newton” Newton @mousebites5ml]

Mrroflwaffles should do a guide on how to please your wife sexually