richard bacon

all the weird shit my dad says #twatatme

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

*arranges vegetables into a penis shape* “it’s a horny vegetable, that’s what mr. garden says. wait! who’s mr. garden?”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

*watching the world cup* “ i figured out this game of soccer. it’s hockey with a ball.”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“well, dick tracy mother mother”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“manual? what has that hispanic bastard got to do with it?”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“these beer rolls need to be placed between the thighs of a virgin”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“i’m going to reprieve from all the sand in my vagina”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“life is like a bucket of bolts...you just hope you have some nuts.” #nutdrop

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“i don’t want to buy anything, i just want to steal shit”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

you know, they’re all down there laughing their a$$ off, saying “no, no, you go up there to get some more water.” because it’s hot down there. #holloweartheory

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“well we can slip it in the butt” #sortie

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“i think you’re talking about the great greek philosopher, Sam Walton”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“hold onto this... i got a four hour thing” #viagra

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“they made her when meat was cheap”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“how does she get her hair like that?”
“she ain’t teasing it cause it’s pissed”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“i like boobs too, i mean they’re just out there sucking on babies”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“i think i still have lube on me, so...”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“i’ll cut his head off if i find the right sword”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“i thought dad might’ve been having an affair”
dad:”that’d be cool”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“it’s in the past, you can stop taking the blood thinners”

[richard bacon @mrdickbacon]

“i may have been molested, i don’t know”