Your Friendly Neighborhood Jackass

it's only money. 💸💸

[NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依 @japan_nobunaga]

I needed to move a sofa.

I mentioned this to an American. He said, "You know anybody with a truck?"

I did not know anybody with a truck.

He looked at me with real concern. Not pity. Concern. The way you look at a man who has told you he does not have a name.

"You gotta know somebody with a truck."

I asked how one acquires such a person.

He said, "You just do."

This is the third time I have received that answer in this country. It is the answer to everything here. You just do. There is no process. There is only the eventual fact of having.

He said, "Ask Kevin."

I do not know a Kevin. He said Kevin like I should. He said it the way you say a shared uncle.

I met Kevin four days later. Kevin owns a truck. Kevin does not own a truck for himself. Nobody owns a truck for themselves. Kevin owns a truck for a fifteen mile radius.

Inside I said: THIS MAN HAS TAKEN A VOW. HE DID NOT ANNOUNCE IT. HE SIMPLY PURCHASED A BED AND ACCEPTED THE CONSEQUENCES.

Kevin arrived on Saturday. He brought the truck. He also brought a second man.

I had not asked for a second man.

The second man's name is Tony. Tony came because Kevin came. Tony did not know me. Tony did not ask what we were moving. Tony brought gloves.

They moved the sofa in eleven minutes.

I offered them money. Both of them laughed at the same time, which felt rehearsed and was not.

I asked what I owed them.

Kevin said, "Buy the pizza."

That is the price. That is the entire economy. The truck costs one pizza and the pizza is not negotiable and the pizza is also not expensive and everyone knows what size.

Inside I said: THE FEE IS FIXED ACROSS THE ENTIRE NATION AND WAS SET BY NO ONE.

We ate on the floor because the sofa was against the wall and none of us wanted to be the first to sit on it.

Tony told me his daughter plays soccer. I asked if she is good. He said, "She's aggressive."

I still think about that.

Three weeks later, Kevin texted me.

"You free Sunday? Helping Tony move a fridge."

He did not ask if I wanted to. He informed me of a fridge.

Inside I said: I HAVE BEEN CALLED UP. I DID NOT ENLIST. THE PAPERS WERE FILED ON MY BEHALF.

I went. I moved the fridge. I have no truck. I contributed only arms.

Afterward, a man I had never met asked me if I knew anybody with a truck.

I said, "Yeah, I got a guy."

I have a guy.

I am somebody's guy now, too. Tony has told two people about me.

He describes me as "the guy who's strong for his size."

I have never been prouder of a sentence in my life.

[Jay Don Takes @Skulledwedge]

Tony Romo’s OWI arrest video might be the first time where being arrested for OWI actually improved public perception of you

[Your Friendly Neighborhood Jackass @mrfatboylevi]

Mead with the red sox….

[Barney “Deputy” Fife @DeputyFife69]

Why is it so much easier to freestyle while saying gay shit

[Davor Vitković @DavorVitkovic]

So Jaylen Brown didn't wanna be Robin in Boston. Now he will be Alfred in Philly

[Cruz Oxenreider @TheRealCruzOx]

Cop - “Sir, are you drunk?”

Tony Romo - “Ahhhh I don’t know Jim!”

[COOLEE THE BEAUTY @ItalianFiesta]

LMAOOOOOOO

[cartonero @flanchota]

los goles que mete haaland no tienen sentido

[autist @litteralyme0]

Life when you're drinking on an empty stomach and the first drink hits instantly

[NBACentel @TheNBACentel]

Malik Beasley has been indicted on federal gambling charges.

Use code BEASLEY for a 40% profit boost.

[Fashion Ruined My Life @frmlfr]

Not true. You can use it for cooking and if you drink it your hands stop shaking.

[Dante Turo @DanteOnDeck]

I have never doubted you. I will never doubt you. I believe that you will do whatever is best for the Boston Celtics. In Brad We Trust.

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

“I’m not going home”

Scotland residents want to stay in Boston forever!

[𝓜𝓪𝓽𝓽 ✈️ @mldiffley]

“Men used to go to war”

Well now we play pool basketball which is 10x more demanding on the body mind and soul

[Cheapie13 @Cheapie13]

Well it’s about that time

[Clown_Orb @ClownOrb]

If blacks had a sense of humour Juneteenth would be like Cinco de Mayo where we all show up to the bar wearing Afro wigs and fake gold chains while drinking malt liquor

[ヤ @MatekoBenzaX]

When it randomly hits me in 100 years there will be a whole new set of people on earth and none of us will ever exist ever again