joe

[joe @mrjoebert]

If I had to explain the Internet to an uncontacted tribe, and for the sake of argument they just happened to speak English, I would tell them it's a place where the measure of success is how many people's time you can waste and for how long.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@LeahDiscovers The problem is these kids are too stupid to do anything but follow instructions. They're the same kids they had to put warnings not to eat laundry soap for.

God forbid they figure out how to actually cook.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@FiredUpCoug Beef tenderloin tips, the parts that aren't big enough to cut anymore steaks out of. Cut them up and toss them around on the Blackstone. Takes maybe 2 minutes to cook the pieces perfectly for the best fajitas you'll ever have.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@extrasalt513 Some places have a zero tolerance policy for not carding everyone, and at best employees get suspended without pay for a week the first time they don't card someone, and at worst get fired on the spot.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@Molson_Hart I still remember a teacher in 9th grade showing us a vanilla ice cream (don't remember which brand, it's been decades) and a sugary breakfast cereal, and that the ice cream had a better assortment and amount vitamins and minerals than the cereal did.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@i2cjak It took me a long time to really understand what my mom's boyfriend meant when he'd say "you're too smart for your own good".

[joe @mrjoebert]

@lowstakesdre Meanwhile...

[joe @mrjoebert]

Keeping voting booths open until midnight on election day should be the extent of cutting people some slack.

Accepting mail in ballots postmarked by election day is the epitome of facilitating poor planning.

[joe @mrjoebert]

The photo on my driver's license is about 20-25 years old, and it expires next year.

At this point I'm not sure how I've kept getting it renewed without redoing the photo for so long. I don't even remember looking like that.

Part of me wants to see how long I can go without having to update my photo, but I'm also tired of the weird looks on the rare occasion I have to show it to someone.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@elkelk Giving new meaning to eminent domain.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@FrankBr05713205 Percentage is the root of all evil.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@OneFineJay We used to be able to drink out of the hose in any neighbor's yard growing up. I've been here 45 years, and I don't drink it straight from the tap anymore.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@tomfgoodwin I broke down my reef right before the last hurricane that hit Tampa Bay. It was going for 5 ish years.

They're not as tough to keep going as a lot of people make it out to be. The toughest part is resisting the temptation to keep changing things.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@chanceml_ @smoothmelanin I remember when they went from 25¢ to 35¢

[joe @mrjoebert]

@gilbert There should be a button on my mouse that while held makes a tooltip show up at my cursor with the clipboard contents.

I don't need a clipboard history or any other complications, just that tooltip trigger.

[joe @mrjoebert]

There's a story floating around about a guy who was "micro scratching" tickets in a way that was imperceptible to the average consumer. He got so used to doing it that he forgot to scratch off the rest of a ticket before going to claim it, effectively trying to claim a prize he shouldn't have known he won.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@___frye The only thing I've seen from it in a year or so, is people talking about it being dead.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@DDrolapas You'd think at least one of those things would be strong enough to kill off the others.

[joe @mrjoebert]

@okie_jayhawk When I was a kid, there were no holes in the scoop...

[joe @mrjoebert]

@antonia_mdprjct How else are they going to keep tabs on the crazy cat ladies?

[joe @mrjoebert]

@KevinCotedge When my roommates and I had barely any food I got this idea to use cherry flavored Kool aid mix, the kind with the sugar already in it, as a substitute for sugar in a vanilla cake mix.

Nastiest shit I ever tasted in my life.