Jonathan Coleman

Jesus is King

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

I’m tired of people acting like rocket science is that hard.

It’s not.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Gals be like:

☺️ My heart is so full ❤️❤️

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Do not email me bruv.

Send me a text.

This is not the 1890’s.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Dude, patting yourself on the back actually works.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Just had the California Club sandwich at Whole Foods.

Best sandwich I’ve ever had.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

I got diagnosed for being a towering figure.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Drove by a Prius that had a bumper sticker saying:

“Hey, cool Prius!”
— Nobody

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Meyer’s hand soap makes me feel some type of way.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

“Time of the Season” by The Zombies is playing in the car

Mom: Is this the “what’s your name, who’s your daddy” song?

Me: I guess you’ll see…

Song: *Immediately* 🎵 What’s your name, who’s your daddy? 🎵

Mom: …you could’ve just said yes.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

@zachary_wash Thanks for the heads up Zach! 🫡

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Gals literally be like this:

🥰🥰 hot chocolate 🥰

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

I woke up with “Funkytown” by Lipps Inc. playing unprompted in my head.

That’s the song from Shrek dude.

🎵 “Talk about it talk about it ooh yeah” ♫

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

I be strolling through Walmart, eyes narrowed, with a slight smirk.

People are concerned, but they don’t understand…

I just thought of a hilarious tweet.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Deeply thankful for my 3 followers

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Me: *Getting angry*

Me: *Plays jazz*

Me: *Feels much better*

Me: *Types this tweet*

Me: *Saves it in drafts*

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

My mom was explaining that she was going to get dust off of some clothes by:

“Shaking them like a wild animal shaking a smaller animal.”

So… yeah.

She’s based.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

@snackmute Legendary

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

I got guac at Chipotle,

Cashier rang me up:
“Your total is $45 :)”

I scanned my free guac code.

Cashier was like:
“Okay now it’s only $8 😒”

I was like:
“Yeah, that’s more like it.”

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

Here’s your daily reminder that
“Totally Tubular” is a perfectly good phrase you can use at any time.

[Jonathan Coleman @mrjoncoleman]

@zachary_wash Good to be back!