Big Hole Star

Writer/Comedian from the rainy Northwest now slowly burning to death in Los Angeles.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Spent the whole day in my leather daddy outfit and not one person has said Happy Father’s Day, ffs.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

@jillyalea True. My knees look like Gordon Ramsey’s forehead.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Miss the days when you can name your new business Mr. Softee and everyone was like “wow yeah that’s delightful”

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Priests need to switch out the cracker for a honey stroopwafel, cuz there ain't no way the body of Christ isn't sweet af

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Every hot girl I knew growing up had a 10-year-old brother named Lorenzo, aka Enzo, and he was always chiller than me.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

And then when the ents stride down the hill to Isengard and that high pitch voice is all like “HEEAAHHAAAHEE.” Man, consider my prostate milked.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

When the elves march into Helm’s Deep at the moment of deepest despair my nipples get hard as fuck.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Crazy how Bangbus is really Bangvan, but no one ever wants to talk about it.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

You’ve heard about Tig ol’ Bitties but have you even messed with a moderate- to medium-sized Piddie?

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

@Hawldie Join me. I haven’t even woke Daddy yet.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Damn. Looks like another night of playing Don’t Wake Daddy alone.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

I lost the sleeping cap 😒

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Go ahead, be as elegant and graceful as possible. You’re just gonna drop guts in a toilet later.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

@jillyalea “So you guys just want to build tunnels or what?”

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Man, if we could get billionaires to support universal healthcare all our colonoscopies would look like this.

[Mick Akers @mickakers]

Footage of what it looks like when a @Tesla is traveling through the @boringcompany’s Convention Center Loop. #vegas #boringcompany

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Gonna drink some Christian baby blood, thought I’d be a little Illuminaughty today.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

@Hawldie Nah, Man. As long as that sink is 18 years old you’re good.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

My dick tip just touched the the seat of a public toilet. I am now haunted by the tips of all the dicks that came before.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

Just called my sugar cookie a “stupid asshole” so I guess today isn’t the best.

[Big Hole Star @mrmustardmeow]

They finally released a photo of the ship captain who blocked the Suez Canal. Friggin’ moron...